10:30 pm. Nate got up for work, packed up and left. I held Destiny, nursed her a little more, got some good burps... I sat in the rocking chair with her on my chest, she was holding her head up and looking around, we admired each other for some time. She began suckling for her pacifier, so I knew she was ready for bed again. I swaddled her and laid her on her side the way I usually did.
12:00 Midnight. She hated to be laid on her back. Those who have had to travel with her in the carseat can attest, she gets extremely fussy and WILL NOT sleep... Laying her on her side was my alternative to not putting her on her stomach. I will admit that she has rolled to her tummy from her side, but usually she had such strength that her face would be sideways when I'd come in. It was becoming common for her to sleep through the night. Last night something must have changed. I can only imagine the fight she went through. The doors between our rooms were open, the fans were on low to help cope with the heat. I never heard a sound.
7:40 am. Nate came home from work. I heard him putting things away and moved Destiny's bedroom door to a crack to make sure Nate would not wake her... I didn't want to wake her either, so I didn't walk in to check on her... I went back to bed.
8:15 am. J woke up and noisily made his way into the bathroom. I got out of bed and went in the kitchen to start breakfast in the oven. I went into our room, got clothes, got dressed, the went to wake Destiny to nurse.
8:21 am. The horror. I walked in and I saw her. Face straight down, skin pale.
"No," I thought, "Maybe she's ok... Maybe she's still breathing."
I picked her up and immediately felt how cold she was. I turned her over to see the discoloring of her face, blue and white, lifeless.
I ran into our room and told Nate she had stopped breathing. I tilted her and pounded her back to see if there was anything in her throat. She seemed gone but maybe by some miracle we could still save her... White fluid, breastmilk came out. She must have drowned.
Nate got dispatch on the phone. She talked me through cpr, though I remembered most of it from my daycare training. When I checked her mouth I could feel the rigamortis had started to set it. She had been gone for several hours. I kept going anyway. Paramedics came and stopped me.
The rest of the morning was answering questions. Telling this over and over. My grief coming in swells, trying to be brave for Nate who was in the same shock I was.
All I can think is: I NEVER should have laid her on her side. We should have forked out the money for the monitor that would tell me her vitals were failing. Maybe she would have lived.
My sweet, perfect baby is officially an angel. She was too good for this world. I can only hope to live the rest of my life so that I can be with her again.
I am in tears as I read your account of this horrible event. I am so, so sorry for your pain and loss. You have held one of our Heavenly Father's most perfect spirits in your arms. Although it is little consolation at this time, you now have a celestial child and you WILL hold her again. Sure love you guys. You will continue to be in our prayers.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. It hurts and it will go on hurting for a long time. I pray you can feel some comfort during this trying time. The moments of happiness will come again. Don't fight them when they come because they don't mean you are forgetting or ignoring Destiny. Accept them as tender mercies.
ReplyDeleteWe'll be praying for you and your family.
I am so, so sorry. My prayers are with you and Nate both.
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