Leaving

At the beginning of the year before I became interested and things evolved with Nate I had been praying to know what the Lord would want me to do when I finished my classes at The Institute of Healing Arts.

Moments after I had gotten off my knees about this I received a phone call from my brother Dustin who lived in southern Florida. He had 3 children at the time and he and his wife both worked full time. They would save money by hiring a nanny instead of paying for day care. They wanted to know if I was interested in the job, starting right after my graduation.

It was the timing of it that made me figure, maybe this was what the Lord wanted? So I said yes and I felt good about the decision. My evolving relationship with Nate didn't change my mind about this.  I figured that he would be going out to serve a mission for the church soon and we would be separated for two years anyway... But it didn't make saying goodbye any easier.

I had found a new home for my 3 year old Australian Shepherd named Panda for his black and white coloring and gentle nature. He had been a really good dog, I had trained him to do lots of fun stuff, but Dustin and Lisa didn't have room for another. My car was all packed to drive out to Florida the night of my graduation, my dad being my copilot. That morning before the graduation ceremonies I went to have my last day with Nate. I was a mess. I kept crying. I knew I'd see him again but I didn't know how long it would be. I would miss him horribly and there was still a small part of me that doubted... If I didn't see him and he didn't see me, would he forget his feelings for me? Would he decide not to wait?

Nate hugged me and wiped my tears and tried to reassure me. He told me he had a couple things for me and I was surprised, I hear a lot of girls complain that guys just don't think of getting things... I had something for him too, so we exchanged gifts.

For me he had a Jade pendant. I call it a pendant but it actually looked rather like a life saver candy... I love it. And Nate loved that I got so happy about it because it was something special he had gotten on a trip to China when his family adopted one of his younger siblings. He had had several of them that he had given away to dear friends but none of them seemed to appreciate it as much as I did.

For him I had purchased a goth style butterfly key chain. I figured it was as manly as I could get with butterflies but I wanted him to have a reminder of me that he could carry around. He liked it so much he took it off the key chain and wore it on a necklace.

I became a mess again as it came time to leave his house. I was holding him tightly and sobbing and he pulled out something else he told me to keep. It was a handkerchief he had received at the Mount Timpanogas Temple dedication. It had a stitching of the temple in it's soft white fabric. In that moment I knew that was the temple we would one day be sealed in.

Nate also handed me an envelope that he told me I was not allowed to open until I was on the road to Florida. I could hardly wait!

The graduation ceremonies were sad and happy. We had all grown close and now we were done. It was hard to say what all our relationships would be like after that. We all wanted to remain close friends but life was pulling us all in different directions. There were many tears and good speeches about what we had learned and where we were headed and then it was over.

I got in the car with my dad and as we drove away I tore open the envelope from Nate. I got all weepy again as I read his words to me of the way he felt about us and our future. I read the letter out loud to my dad. My dad even got weepy and said, "If I were to choose someone for you, that would be the kind of guy!"

Not that I was ever the kind that NEEDED to have my father's approval of the man I would marry, I was glad all the same that he could see the kind of wonderful I had found.

Meeting Nate

While I continued my training with The Institute of Healing Arts, I came to know the Cassani family. There were three members in my class, Adri Cassani, Ben Cassani and Nate Cassani. Ben and Nate were brothers, Adri their mom. Adri was very loud and outgoing, sometimes it was entertaining, sometimes it was to the extreme of being annoying. Ben and Nate were nothing like their mom. Ben was two years older than Nate and the kind I would describe as talk dark and handsome. Nate was good looking to, tall and thin, but with brilliant RED hair. I decided to ask Ben on a date.

I was super excited for the date but had difficulties figuring out a group of people to go with... That should have been the moment I backed out of the date but ultimately I decided to take him on an outing my family already had planned. We would tour the local peppermint factory.

It was awful. I mean, the factory was fine, very interesting and fun, but the date was note what I had hoped. My family was fine but as we went through the tour I tried to strike up conversation with Ben. He was totally aloof the whole time, giving me one word answers, no return questioning, sometimes not answering my questions at all, but just walking off to some other part of the tour. I was befuddled. Why did he even bother coming? He could have said no. I'd never seen him act like this in class.

By the end of the tour I was done. I had no more desire to try to get to know him. I dropped him back at his house and never tried again.

The Institute of Healing Arts class was a total of 12 months long and things were good. Bumpy at times because of course we were working out emotional issues. During lecture periods I had a tendancy to let my eyes wander about the room. I tried to focus on the teacher, it was never that I wasn't listening. The lessons kept my attention but I'm a visual learner so as I processed the information I would look at things in the room, associating things with my visual memory. Sometimes I would come back into focus and realize that Nate (Ben's younger brother) would notice that I seemed distracted and would make funny faces. On one occasion I actually laughed aloud at his crossed eyed fishy face and the whole class wondered what I thought was funny about the teachers very serious lecture. I was too embarrassed to explain my behavior to the class...

In my first encounter with Nate I actually wasn't very nice... It was the first meeting of the class and we had all been asked to wear name stickers. We were then asked to go around the room to introduce ourselves and say at least one nice thing to everyone we met. After several other people, I walked up to Nate. His sticker read "Nate the Great" That's big headed I thought to myself. To him I said "Nate the great, huh?" As if to check if he really was so great. "Yep" He said and I thought yep, definitely big headed. "It's what my family calls me." Wow, they all play into that? "Well I like your red hair" I said dumbly and walked away.

About ten months into the class, Nate and I were assigned to work together. The class had been rotating partners to practice helping each other 'process'. Nate was dealing with an issue and I was practicing facilitator. I was having a hard time knowing how to help him through the process, the details of which shall remain private (client confidentiality)  and was praying the Lord would inspire me in what to say to help Nate with his struggle. I didn't like the answer I received.

I suddenly felt I should say to Nate: I love you. I was shocked. I mean, sure he was nice but I didn't have ANY romantic inclinations. It felt unprofessional to say it and I didn't want him to take it the wrong way.  And beside that, I had my own issue I was dealing with at the time...

See, through High School I had been such a free spirit. I was super social, hanging out with lots of people and I had a habit of saying "love ya" to EVERYONE.  Yes, I mean everyone... All my guy friends, girl friends, and they all knew it, they all understood I loved them as friends and that was good, that was what I wanted and why I said it. "Love ya, Bye."

But now I was older and I was learning I didn't want to use it so casually. I had started to desire finding the one to whom I would say "I love you" forever and mean it. So, I couldn't do it. I had stopped the habit and now I couldn't just casually tell him "I love you."I hardly knew him apart from the funny faces and the brief introductions in class...

In a panic I told Nate that I wasn't sure what to do to help him, and that I was running late for another appointment (which I really was). We decided to end the session for the day and come back to it another time. But as we walked out of the room our coaches could tell something was up. I pulled one of the coaches aside and quietly explained what I was feeling and that I was running late. She said I could leave but that I needed to call Nate that evening, "DO NOT put it off," she said, "and let him know what's going on. I'll let him know to expect your call."

I was not happy. I went to my next appointment, went home, got everything that I possibly could ready for the next day and got ready for bed. I had put off calling him as long as I could. Maybe he wouldn't answer the phone... I called. He answered.

I explained..."Pretty much I'm supposed to say these three little words to you and I don't even understand how that's supposed to help you with what you are going through. I really don't want you to take it the wrong way if I said it..."

"What three words?" he asked.

I hesitated... REALLY? I mean, there are only so many three word sentences that are very common in the english language, couldn't he just GUESS? At least then he could say it, I wouldn't have to say it, and he couldn't take it the wrong way, right?

I was literally shivering. "I love you."

"Oh, is that all?" he said, so casually I actually wanted very much to be angry. Here I was all worked up and it's totally no big deal... But that was what I wanted, right? I didn't know what to say beside "Yeah, that's it."

"So, do you want to get together and finish the session?" He asked. I explained that I could meet him after work the next day and we set a time.

The next day the rest of the process went fine, we agreed on the understanding that it was a "friendly" love and then decided to attend a mandatory class meeting together that evening.

But at that meeting I spent the entire time on the floor at the back of the room entertaining someone else's child so they could hear the details of the meeting and Nate spend the whole time turned around watching me play. It was a little awkward, I had a little bit of that feeling that he was seeing me in a new light, and playing with that child, it was almost a "you could be a mother" light... But I didn't really know what, if anything, should be done about it.

At the end of the class I took him back to his house and we didn't talk again until the next week in class.

It was lunch break and the group was standing together talking. Nate was telling someone about his homemade movies. He noticed me sitting in a chair and asked if he had shown me any of his videos. I laughed a little inwardly... I had been to his house a few times to barrow class books from his mom, or babysit his younger siblings. He was never around when I had been there.
"No, I haven't seen them." I answered.
"Well you should come over sometime and I'll show them to you."
"I'm off work tomorrow." I said.
"I'll see you then"

The next day I showed up at his house around noon and ended up staying for 7 hours. We watched his silly videos, played games and generally had a good time. He invited me to come again on my next day off and I agreed. And so it was for the last two months of class... Every week I would spend one of my days off at his house for about 7+ hours.

We became fast friends, we'd read books together, watch movies, play games, go on walks. It was simple and fun. And then I had a dream.

Nate and I were in a white room, wearing white clothes, kneeling across from each other, holding hands. 

I awoke from the dream with the greatest feeling of warmth through out my body and in that moment I knew. He was the one. I knew it but decided it was premature to tell him I felt that way.

At the lunch break from class that week Nate asked me to go on a walk with him. We went outside, walked a short ways and sat down in the grassy shade. He seemed a little flustered and I asked what was on his mind. He explained that he felt like we were more than just friends and that he wanted to know how I felt. As I pondered how to answer I saw a spider on the sidewalk and thought of a line from a movie. In 'Mighty Joe Young' the couple is falling in love and the woman describes the feeling like being bit by a waikiki spider. I described this to Nate and said that I felt like I had been bitten. He smiled and as we walked back toward class we held hands.

As we jostled up the stairs to class I looked up at him and teasingly said "You're too tall."
He looked down as if sizing me up and then said "I feel like a giant with a butterfly."

So I started callling him my giant and he called me his butterfly.

The next day I was at his house again. We had decided to paint with water colors in his family's kitchen. I was painting a butterfly floating over to some oversized stick figure. Nate had a mess of shapes and splotches. The conversation lulled a little and when I became quiet for a few moments Nate asked what I was thinking. I blushed. I had been thinking about my dream...
"I'm not sure I should tell you." I said. I didn't know if he was ready, I didn't want to scare him away if he didn't feel THAT strongly yet.
"Try me." he said.
I smiled thinking of how afraid I had been to say three little words... I now here I was confirming that maybe it should be something more than friendly. I took a deep breath... and told him about my dream, how I felt that our relationship wasn't only meant to be for a short time, but maybe even forever...

He listened and smiled and said "Me too."