A letter to the listener.

Thank you so much to those who have followed our blogs! Thank you to those who have expressed your sympathy! Thank you to those who have not pretended to know what it must be like for us! Thank you to those who have continued to pray for us! Please, do not be afraid to tell me of special feelings you have had for Destiny or our family as you have gone through this time with us! More than anything it helps to know you are thinking of us.

I have never felt so broken in my life. I don't know if I can ever adequately describe my life right now...

Baring my testimony is like trying to reassure myself that the gospel is true. Some days it really is all I can do to cling to hope that The Lord will get me through, to make ends meet. I want to feel passion again. I used to think nothing could take my passion from me. It is so hard to feel like death reigns in our life right now more than life. The nightmares are the worst. We are shaken in the realization of how powerless we are and suddenly uncertain that God is the loving One we thought he was and still is. It is hard to see the good that makes this trial worth while. It is hard to see the world in turmoil and feel like there is no home on earth for us anymore. We try to be strong for our boys, to go on living, because if we don't live up to our covenants we will not get to be with her always. But it is hard.

I don't mean this to sound like I'm whining, or begging for more attention. Sometimes it just helps to know someone besides us knows we're not fine yet, that there's no normal for us at this point. 

There are very few scriptures that seem to touch my heart like this one lately: The night after Destiny's passing this is the very chapter Nate and I happened to be at in our reading. I have no doubt God timed it that way on purpose. 

Mark 10:14

Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God. 

15 Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child, he shall not enter therein. 

16 And he took them up in his arms, put his hands upon them, and blessed them.

In the movie Courageous, when the family loses their daughter, I remember watching the movie before Destiny was born and having the feeling that it could be me one day. I had no idea it would be so soon. I had no clue it would hit me so hard. I still believe that her spirit lives, that she is a missionary beyond the veil now, that if I can endure I will still have the opportunity to raise her when Christ come again to reign. In a time when there will be no tears of sorrow, I will see her grow and marry and she will be safe from the envy of man and the temptation of Lucifer. But the hope doesn't change that the waiting is hard.

You probably already do, but please keep praying for us. Pray that we find passion and peace. 

Traffic Jammed

I have been searching for the healing promised by the atonement. It seems so slow to ever come, I struggle to wait upon the Lord's time. I believe in Christ and I believe in a loving Heavenly Father who does not take joy in watching His children suffer. While I am gaining understanding of the purpose of grief, that "it is better to pass through sorrow, that we may know good from evil."  I'm trying to recognize the good that has come from this experience, to see past myself. To not let this time become a great evil in my life.

At the memorials and at church we had such special opportunity to bear witness of the Savior, of eternal life, of family, and the importance of living worthy. 

Some have already expressed how touched they were by our example, One of Nate's siblings has made some significantly different decisions because of a desire to be with Destiny again someday. Others we can only hope were so moved.

 Nate had a chance to talk with members of his family in a more sensitive way than is usual. 

Again, we can only hope for now that some lasting impact was made.  

We had come to a place just before Destiny's birth, things seemed stable,  we loved our home, our friends, we were mostly content to stay there indefinitely. 

Now, though we struggle with indecision , I am so grateful that Nate has left his previous employment which had become a sore trial in some ways. While he still struggles with grief and depression, at least we no longer add to that the pressures he faced at the boarding school. Add to the move that we have family close by now, who have been especially helpful in caring for the boys and helping us get out of the house and out of our rut. We have had opportunity to serve in our new area in ways we otherwise may not have had. And that service is a tremendous blessing in helping me to see past my own pain, to forget my own troubles by lightening the troubles of another. And as I have given of my time I have renewed gratitude for those who reached out to us, in even the smallest of ways. I feel I will never feel closer, no one will know me so well, as those that have been close to me during this experience.

Nate and I have a new outlook at this time. Do we still feel so passionate about things that we thought mattered, or maybe even more passionate? Are there new things that we previously has no passion for at all? 

We have prayed often for direction from The Lord and in the past it seemed the Lords timing for us was faster than most people thought appropriate. But of late it seems The Lord is waiting, asking us to choose for ourselves because He can make use of us no matter where we go. It is difficult to perceive, that it is not as if The Lord has distanced himself from us by not giving further direction. Like the Brother of Jarod, we know The Lord can do anything, but we are almost hesitant to ask too much for fear of our request being out of line with His will.

We miss Destiny still every day and it is hard to feel as if the world moves past us unaware that she even lived. Hard to find our place in the traffic and move forward like we did before. Like driving a new used car, some things are better and some things just take some getting used to. The torque makes it difficult to merge smoothly and the drivers we share this road of life with seem to sense the dent in our bumper and respond with apprehension. Somehow, eventually things meld again, the Lord wiil make our path clear and we will find we have things in common as together we travel to our Destiny.

Namesake

Another landmark has come and passed. A year ago we found out we had indeed conceived. With no medical confirmation, no sure knowledge of gender, just the feeling within a woman. The feeling of expectation, the feeling of wonder, the hopes fulfilled, that we were working a miracle with God, to fulfill our covenant, to be fruitful, to build up his kingdom by adding to our family.

In the past I had received revelation concerning the names our children. I felt sure that the names were written in the order they would come to us. With J & with Sweet P the pattern had been fulfilled. So, I began thinking that this new life on it's way would be a girl and we began telling family the next name on our list.

However as I said the name aloud I kept getting an inner twinge of resistance... No, that isn't the right name.

Going back to my list I saw the name I knew should be hers.

Destiny Lynn Cassani's heart had already begun its earthly journey.