What's happening?

As we quickly approach the one year anniversary of our angel, Destiny's, birthday... We are in HIGH anticipation of hopefully doing something amazing.

Some of you have seen my previous Facebook posts but for those who missed it, here are the photos and details!

Nate has finished a story (YAY!!!) and we plan to publish it VERY soon (more on that later!). When he does publish we want to take the show on the road, so-to-speak. We plan to go to all kinds of conventions and do lots of face-to-face to promote his book.

I know, some of you are not world travelers and this sound exhausting. Trust me, I am a little overwhelmed sometimes at the thoughts of a whole year in 120 square feet of living space with 2 adults that really enjoy the "alone time" we squeeze in as it is, plus 2 rambunctious boys! Some of you are thinking, "Just take a plane!" But here are some issues I have with that...

1. I am a very jealous Goddess. I like my time with my man. I like to think he likes his time with me just as much. We both love our boys. Being apart so much is almost too scary. I just don't think it would be fair for others to see him more than me :)

2.I am a very jealous Goddess. I like to see the world too. Why should sexy author man have all the fun? I helped too. I love meeting new people and telling my stories and the idea of showing my children many amazing historical sites, nature's wonders, educational museums and experiences! I have planned to homeschool them since they were born anyway, so this just makes homeschool even more fun!

3. This has nothing to do with jealousy. I want my children to learn, it isn't the stuff you live with, it's how you LIVE. What really is a NEED? I want to show them by example, what we are willing to sacrifice for a dream. I want to feel the family unity of working together toward a goal. I want to support my sexy author man 110%!
I have done the math. Nate won't be making a lot in the beginning. We won't be able to afford airplanes and hotels on top of our primary living expenses. We can save on a lot by going this route.

4. I want to show Destiny the difference she made in our family. We are going to face life fearlessly, head on, and do what we were meant to! We can't wait around and wait for anyone else to make it happen anymore.

So
I've been doing a lot of research.
And thinking (dangerous, yeah we all know.)
And planning.
And starting over again.
And this is how far we have come:

We bought this 1971 Terry travel trailer/camper toward the end of 2013
with plans in mind to make it our new mobile "home." 

It was on consignment at a local dealership. The thing was cheap and marked "AS IS" because the previous owner had big dreams and had partially started what they wanted to do... But then they were diagnosed with cancer. Apparently, our purchase was going to help them afford to fly down to be with family while they got treatment. WIN WIN.

As I started gutting it and making floor plans I realized a few things... The windows were in all the wrong spots for the arrangement we would want/need, the wiring an plumbing were not something I had the confidence to do on my own and the entire exterior needed to be replaced to provide better everything, which I also did not have this know how or tools to do... It really wasn't badly damaged, just the inefficient design of the original build.

At $85 an hour labor, plus materials, all of that was going to cost a pretty penny I had not anticipated. But I was not about to let the $750 we spent on the project go to waste. Nate and I decided since we were going to need some storage for all the stuff that wouldn't go on the road with us, we would put a water proof cover on the "project" and build shelves inside for easier access to all the totes (something I have wanted for AWHILE). This storage trailer also save us the cost of buying a shed, which would have been horribly immobile in the case of a move anyway.

I removed the ugly black curtains that had possessed a lot of the windows but decided to keep these 70s floral curtain that still had some measure of dignity.

It appeared that the original cushions from the 70's still occupied the camper, years of dust and who knows who having slept on them. I threw them out and my mother repurposed the ones that weren't torn for outdoor seating. The brown leafy pattern just didn't work anyway.

Brown. Brown. BROWN.

I don't really have a problem with brown but sometimes.... I have a problem with brown.

Like when it's the only color as far as the eye can see...

There were brown cushions, come to think of it, the black curtains may have actually been dark dark brown, the brown hardware (which, by itself, I actually like, and will sell), the brown wood grain panel walls, the brown cabinetry with wood grain facing... Bye bye brown.

I started the real demolition just inside the door and began working my way around.
Here, there was an "L" shaped booth with a table. GONE now, mwa-ha-ha!
The table had adjustable legs for supposedly making a sleeping area but one of the legs was rusted so it was a LOT of work to "make the bed." Besides, the table had really rough, unfinished edges that were sure to poke people (Facebook was past it's time).
At the top of this photo you can see the green curtains (1 day of labor) I used to replace the black ones. Much more complimentary to the floor, don't you think?! Above that window there was also some cabinetry, which I removed to make room for our storage totes, but I kept the materials to be repurposed.
(3 days of work)

Next, I tore out the bench at the front end of the trailer. There was a pull out for turning the sofa into a full sized bed. In the bottom of this photo there are some things on the floor, a black water tank which will be sold, and all the old drawers which I used to hold a lot of the stuff I salvaged in during demolition. Above the bay of windows here, there is a shelf that was used as a bunk bed but it will be used for storage, so I'm leaving it there.
(1 day of work)

Here, I have a before-and-after treat for you! 
Above is the kitchen that was.
Below the kitchen is no more.
TA-DA!
(2 days of work)

There was also cabinetry above the kitchen window. The kitchen sink, stove and range will be sold.
The fridge and two heaters in this photo disappear in another photo, hehehe :)

Secretly, (shh, don't tell!) I went out of order and removed the toilet, sink and mirror (seen above, will be sold) from the restroom before I removed the kitchen because I needed somewhere to stack all the salvaged materials (seen below)... But for the sake of keeping you all oriented as we work our way around the trailer, I'm telling you now... I did it.

So, now I have all the salvaged stuff in the restroom, I went around and pulled out the closet with built in drawers (see below) as well as a storage space that was accessible from outside the trailer...

So pwetty! Ok, not really, but better than it was...
(1 day of work)

At last, demolition is DONE!
The restroom walls came down, the fridge and two heaters (one for air, one for water) removed!
(1 LONG day of work, could count as 2)
Now the fun of building shelves can begin. I'm going to be using reclaimed pallet wood to build the shelves as soon as I can pick up some free pallets.

Here's she is, 1971, all dressed up and nowhere to go :) (Installing the cover took another day of work to tape all the sharp corners before climbing up and over, tie it down and all that fun stuff)

I will try to keep you all posted as the progress continues.

Well, we still need a home for the road, right? Our tax return was coming in February and we wanted to have a plan. So, we went back to the dealer....

I spent a good deal of time talking with the owner about everything under the sun (literally) I wanted in our home with wheels:

Skylights (we thrive on sunshine),
Solar power (I already bought the panels),
Electric appliances for food cooking and preservation (which would be easy to replace if need be),
Separate sleeping quarters for the boys,
Water,
No wheel-wells to have to build around,
ETC...

He suggested we custom order a trailer. WHAT?! Our tax return isn't THAT big! No, really...

We custom ordered a utility trailer with windows, the electrical outlets, the lights in the location we wanted, and a camper door. We ordered a good sized water tank which we could mount ourselves.

We've bought a fair number of other things we will have to install ourselves but I will post all the new trailer stuff in another post!

I will also share some other blogs or sites I have found from fellow full time RV living people. Apparently, there are quite a few.

A letter to the listener.

Thank you so much to those who have followed our blogs! Thank you to those who have expressed your sympathy! Thank you to those who have not pretended to know what it must be like for us! Thank you to those who have continued to pray for us! Please, do not be afraid to tell me of special feelings you have had for Destiny or our family as you have gone through this time with us! More than anything it helps to know you are thinking of us.

I have never felt so broken in my life. I don't know if I can ever adequately describe my life right now...

Baring my testimony is like trying to reassure myself that the gospel is true. Some days it really is all I can do to cling to hope that The Lord will get me through, to make ends meet. I want to feel passion again. I used to think nothing could take my passion from me. It is so hard to feel like death reigns in our life right now more than life. The nightmares are the worst. We are shaken in the realization of how powerless we are and suddenly uncertain that God is the loving One we thought he was and still is. It is hard to see the good that makes this trial worth while. It is hard to see the world in turmoil and feel like there is no home on earth for us anymore. We try to be strong for our boys, to go on living, because if we don't live up to our covenants we will not get to be with her always. But it is hard.

I don't mean this to sound like I'm whining, or begging for more attention. Sometimes it just helps to know someone besides us knows we're not fine yet, that there's no normal for us at this point. 

There are very few scriptures that seem to touch my heart like this one lately: The night after Destiny's passing this is the very chapter Nate and I happened to be at in our reading. I have no doubt God timed it that way on purpose. 

Mark 10:14

Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God. 

15 Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child, he shall not enter therein. 

16 And he took them up in his arms, put his hands upon them, and blessed them.

In the movie Courageous, when the family loses their daughter, I remember watching the movie before Destiny was born and having the feeling that it could be me one day. I had no idea it would be so soon. I had no clue it would hit me so hard. I still believe that her spirit lives, that she is a missionary beyond the veil now, that if I can endure I will still have the opportunity to raise her when Christ come again to reign. In a time when there will be no tears of sorrow, I will see her grow and marry and she will be safe from the envy of man and the temptation of Lucifer. But the hope doesn't change that the waiting is hard.

You probably already do, but please keep praying for us. Pray that we find passion and peace. 

Traffic Jammed

I have been searching for the healing promised by the atonement. It seems so slow to ever come, I struggle to wait upon the Lord's time. I believe in Christ and I believe in a loving Heavenly Father who does not take joy in watching His children suffer. While I am gaining understanding of the purpose of grief, that "it is better to pass through sorrow, that we may know good from evil."  I'm trying to recognize the good that has come from this experience, to see past myself. To not let this time become a great evil in my life.

At the memorials and at church we had such special opportunity to bear witness of the Savior, of eternal life, of family, and the importance of living worthy. 

Some have already expressed how touched they were by our example, One of Nate's siblings has made some significantly different decisions because of a desire to be with Destiny again someday. Others we can only hope were so moved.

 Nate had a chance to talk with members of his family in a more sensitive way than is usual. 

Again, we can only hope for now that some lasting impact was made.  

We had come to a place just before Destiny's birth, things seemed stable,  we loved our home, our friends, we were mostly content to stay there indefinitely. 

Now, though we struggle with indecision , I am so grateful that Nate has left his previous employment which had become a sore trial in some ways. While he still struggles with grief and depression, at least we no longer add to that the pressures he faced at the boarding school. Add to the move that we have family close by now, who have been especially helpful in caring for the boys and helping us get out of the house and out of our rut. We have had opportunity to serve in our new area in ways we otherwise may not have had. And that service is a tremendous blessing in helping me to see past my own pain, to forget my own troubles by lightening the troubles of another. And as I have given of my time I have renewed gratitude for those who reached out to us, in even the smallest of ways. I feel I will never feel closer, no one will know me so well, as those that have been close to me during this experience.

Nate and I have a new outlook at this time. Do we still feel so passionate about things that we thought mattered, or maybe even more passionate? Are there new things that we previously has no passion for at all? 

We have prayed often for direction from The Lord and in the past it seemed the Lords timing for us was faster than most people thought appropriate. But of late it seems The Lord is waiting, asking us to choose for ourselves because He can make use of us no matter where we go. It is difficult to perceive, that it is not as if The Lord has distanced himself from us by not giving further direction. Like the Brother of Jarod, we know The Lord can do anything, but we are almost hesitant to ask too much for fear of our request being out of line with His will.

We miss Destiny still every day and it is hard to feel as if the world moves past us unaware that she even lived. Hard to find our place in the traffic and move forward like we did before. Like driving a new used car, some things are better and some things just take some getting used to. The torque makes it difficult to merge smoothly and the drivers we share this road of life with seem to sense the dent in our bumper and respond with apprehension. Somehow, eventually things meld again, the Lord wiil make our path clear and we will find we have things in common as together we travel to our Destiny.

Namesake

Another landmark has come and passed. A year ago we found out we had indeed conceived. With no medical confirmation, no sure knowledge of gender, just the feeling within a woman. The feeling of expectation, the feeling of wonder, the hopes fulfilled, that we were working a miracle with God, to fulfill our covenant, to be fruitful, to build up his kingdom by adding to our family.

In the past I had received revelation concerning the names our children. I felt sure that the names were written in the order they would come to us. With J & with Sweet P the pattern had been fulfilled. So, I began thinking that this new life on it's way would be a girl and we began telling family the next name on our list.

However as I said the name aloud I kept getting an inner twinge of resistance... No, that isn't the right name.

Going back to my list I saw the name I knew should be hers.

Destiny Lynn Cassani's heart had already begun its earthly journey.

Learning to breathe

I went to the chiropractor to get an adjustment the other day. While sitting in the waiting room I listened to the receptionist scheduling a photo shoot for her family. She mentioned how many would be in the shoot, including a foster baby that they had thought they were going to be able to adopt but turns out someone else will. When she hung up the phone I inquired about the foster baby. He is 5 months old and they have had him since he was born. They will have the opportunity to visit him but the receptionist was unsure if they would pursue visits for a time, not wanting to cause confusion for the baby.

I told her that I felt for her but didn't say anything else immediately. There were other people in the room and the timing didn't seem right. 

After my adjustment, as I took care of payment with the receptionist, I felt that I should share with her about our angel girl and I told her "so you can see, I really do feel for your loss. Our situations are different, but if it were me, after what I've been through... Visit that baby, regularly! He is a part of your life, and you are a part of his and you will always regret not starting the habit early or not seeing him enough."

With tears, she asked how I was holding up... I think I'm fine until someone genuinely asks... Then I realize again and remember what a wreck of emotions I carry, which I explained to her.

It was a short moment but something I felt quickly brought this woman and I very close. I wouldn't have had that advice for her if I had not gone through this.

I thought tonight about the woman at the well who met Jesus and gave him water.

I feel as though I sit on the edge of the deep hole has been dug in my life, I have toiled with sweat and tears to draw out water. This world cannot satisfy my thirst He has promised that it will be worth it. That what I give him will be returned with interest. And I will share my thirst for the day his promises are fulfilled because I hope others will be strengthened in their own passion, to cling to the savior.

J has lost a total of three teeth now and likes to remind me of this often by pointing out his gaps. 

Phillip has learned how to say "Let go!" and other phrases. We are working hard to use words instead of screaming in frustration.

Nate and I have been apart since July 27th. That's only two weeks too long and he still has one week left at his job in Provo. Mountain home is not the place I have dreamed of living, it's brown, dry, unpleasantly full of dusty wind... As another temporary home it will have to do...

4 weeks later

Words have been said, 

"My daughter is dead", 

Tears have shed, 

And still in my head, 

Her memory lives on, 

Though her body is gone. 

The ache is my heart 

Seems stuck on restart. 

I want to stop hurting, 

The healing returning...

The process is stalled, 

All those moments recalled.

I don't want to seem weak

So I'll work a mad streak.

My soul still longs to cry

In spite of eyes so dry.

In those quiet moments still

My hopes and fears spill

How do I keep going?

How do I trust God's knowing?

I've long loved my savior

Finding comfort in his favor

His destiny was to suffer

In a garden with no sucker

To hang on a cross

Feeling all of our loss

All part of a plan

So much larger than man

Because He came again

Death has no permenant stain

My pain shall be for a time

And then Destiny again shall be mine

My husband has now started a blog as well for those who would like to hear his side of our story. He captures some of my feelings as well in delicate ways.

http://nathanielcassanionlife.blogspot.com

Two weeks after...

Nathaniel Alisha Lynn Cassani

Yesterday

Lynn: There is the part of me that knows I should not be so afraid of losing my other two after what happened. Yet, I am terrified every time they go to sleep that I may end up finding them the same way. Every time I walk into the bedroom where she slept, or the other room where I tried to resuscitate an empty frame, I relive the horror and I feel sick to my stomach.
We have bought monitors and done a sleep test for our other two and still I go in to make sure the monitor isn't lying...
I have had people tell me that I am so strong, it feels like the exact opposite of how broken I am inside. I've started saying, "You find out there's not much choice but to keep going."
Others have said we must be amazing people to have had such an angel in our home. A part of me feels like we must have screwed up because she couldn't stay...
I am trying to remind myself that we can never understand all of God's reasons, how he must have so much good to come of this, to make it worth it. It doesn't change how I hurt, it just helps me hold on to the hope of seeing her again some day. I feel an inkling of how God must have ached, LETTING His Son suffer and die, for all of us to live again and be forgiven.

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• Iris Johnson Holliman, J.P. Kersey, Emily Weber Zuta and 3 others like this.
• 

  Luisa Perkins My heart aches for you.

  Yesterday at 9:07am · Unlike · 1
• 

  Faith Hofer     

  Yesterday at 9:11am · Unlike · 1
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  Tammy Stephens Clayton  There are no words. What you are feeling/fearing is normal. Love you and you are in my prayers.

  23 hours ago via mobile · Unlike · 1
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  Dustin Lisa Blake Lisha... its lisa, and you of all people know what a spaz I am, I was the opposite, I couldn't get anything done with my first and it made me really crazy because I had a friend who lost 3 babies, 1 to sids, and 2 still borns, I was always terrified, until the twins, and came to the realization that gods will is just that!!! We can easiliy make ourselves crazy or we can just trust in gods plan. We cannot watch them every second of the day, and you are such great parents, Dustin said how amazing you both were, and yes... strong. and you are sill so strong for posting your fears, I'm soo sorry for your loss, and not being there for you, thank you for

  21 hours ago · Unlike · 2
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  Dustin Lisa Blake EVERYTHING!!!

  21 hours ago · Unlike · 1
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  Carmen Stanley Lynn I am so sorry for all of the pain and suffering you and your family are going through.Irrespective of age, we mourn for those loved and lost. Mourning is one of the deepest expressions of pure love. It is a natural response in complete accord with divine commandment: “Thou shalt live together in love, insomuch that thou shalt weep for the loss of them that die.” (D&C 42:45.)
  
  Moreover, we can’t fully appreciate joyful reunions later without tearful separations now. The only way to take sorrow out of death is to take love out of life.https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1992/04/doors-of-death?lang=eng
  

  
  

  Doors of Death

  www.lds.org
  

  This morning Elder Boyd K. Packer spoke of the “fountains of life.” This afterno...See More

  21 hours ago · Unlike · 3 · Remove Preview
• 

  Carmen Stanley I accidentally hit enter on the above comment before I was finished. The above quote is not mine but from Elder Nelson. I hope his words will give you and your family comfort. We will continue to pray for you.

  21 hours ago · Unlike · 1
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  Jennifer McBride Oh, my dear. I'm so sorry. I'm glad you're finding comfort in faith.

  19 hours ago · Unlike · 1
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  Mariliana Correa Lynn, you are always in my thoughts... I hurt for you. My mom lost a 9 month old to croup... her heart gave out even though she had a tracheotomy. I long to meet her one day. And I would maybe not be here had she lived....You see, I was born a few years later.

  16 hours ago · Edited · Unlike · 1
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  Emily Weber Zuta Love you guys. HUUGS

  15 hours ago via mobile · Unlike · 1
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  J.P. Kersey My heart is with you Lynn and I wish there was something I could do,but I can't.....only He can and He is right beside you surrounding you in His loving arms!

  14 hours ago via mobile · Unlike · 1
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  Mitzi Genrich Alisha, I love you! When I find myself fearful, and there are so many things in this world to truly be afraid of... I speak one of God's promises out loud. Satan hates to hear God's Word and God is faithful to His promises. Philippians 4:6-7 is one I use often because He promises us peace beyond our understanding and I need that kind of Peace!! You are awesome and strong and strong doesn't mean you don't hurt or have fears, it is the courage to continue on in spite of your fears and to smile and laugh at what is good even while you hurt for what is soo sad and painful and I have seen you do both of these things.

  12 hours ago · Unlike · 2
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  Lee Ann Layton Setzer Lynn, I know you're not trying to be eloquent or poetic, you're just sharing your soul, but it's a beautiful soul, and every time you write, it touches me. So wish it didn't have to hurt so much.

  11 hours ago · Unlike · 1
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  Erna Nell Blackburn HUGS, HUGS and more HUGS!!

  9 hours ago · Unlike · 1
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  Kristina Dietz Fry My heart and prayers are with you and your family! Losing a child is any parent's worst nightmare. I'm heartbroken for you! I wish I could just give you the biggest hug! I'm so so sorry!

  9 hours ago via mobile · Like
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  Angelique Boyles Littlejohn We love you! If there was a magic wand I could wave to take away the pain, I would do it! I must admit I have the same fears and haven't suffered as you have. You are in my thoughts and prayers!

  9 hours ago via mobile · Like