Thank you so much to those who have followed our blogs! Thank you to those who have expressed your sympathy! Thank you to those who have not pretended to know what it must be like for us! Thank you to those who have continued to pray for us! Please, do not be afraid to tell me of special feelings you have had for Destiny or our family as you have gone through this time with us! More than anything it helps to know you are thinking of us.
I have never felt so broken in my life. I don't know if I can ever adequately describe my life right now...
Baring my testimony is like trying to reassure myself that the gospel is true. Some days it really is all I can do to cling to hope that The Lord will get me through, to make ends meet. I want to feel passion again. I used to think nothing could take my passion from me. It is so hard to feel like death reigns in our life right now more than life. The nightmares are the worst. We are shaken in the realization of how powerless we are and suddenly uncertain that God is the loving One we thought he was and still is. It is hard to see the good that makes this trial worth while. It is hard to see the world in turmoil and feel like there is no home on earth for us anymore. We try to be strong for our boys, to go on living, because if we don't live up to our covenants we will not get to be with her always. But it is hard.
I don't mean this to sound like I'm whining, or begging for more attention. Sometimes it just helps to know someone besides us knows we're not fine yet, that there's no normal for us at this point.
There are very few scriptures that seem to touch my heart like this one lately: The night after Destiny's passing this is the very chapter Nate and I happened to be at in our reading. I have no doubt God timed it that way on purpose.
Mark 10:14
Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God.
15 Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child, he shall not enter therein.
16 And he took them up in his arms, put his hands upon them, and blessed them.
In the movie Courageous, when the family loses their daughter, I remember watching the movie before Destiny was born and having the feeling that it could be me one day. I had no idea it would be so soon. I had no clue it would hit me so hard. I still believe that her spirit lives, that she is a missionary beyond the veil now, that if I can endure I will still have the opportunity to raise her when Christ come again to reign. In a time when there will be no tears of sorrow, I will see her grow and marry and she will be safe from the envy of man and the temptation of Lucifer. But the hope doesn't change that the waiting is hard.
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