That said, I haven't been working on my blog so much lately and hardly updated anyone on our decision regarding J.
Wow, there is an incredible surge of emotion for me as I write this... My love for my family... My hope that any of you can possibly understand what it's like... It's overwhelming...
Nate and I prayed and talked long and in depth about the possibilities and what would be best for J. I agreed at first to the preschool because I got scared about my own ability to be consistent and knowledgable enough to give J what he really needed... My concern that if I could not later prove myself to the state, they would go so far as to take my son from me and force me to send him to public school anyway... As time got closer however to J actually taking his first day at the preschool I started getting more and more knots in my gut. I tried to shake it off, tried to tell myself it was just a "first time parent taking their kid to school" kind of thing...
Because of experiences in my past, I recognize my own tendency to be super protective. I've talked with a therapist about my fears, my desire to keep my kids safe from some of the things I've gone through. I know I can't protect them from EVERYTHING, I know I want them to experience LIFE in all of it's wonder and beauty. But there are some things I know I will protect them from that others may not be so aware of because of my experiences...
Some of these stories are detailed in earlier posts, which you may have read already or can go back look at some time... I've been called stupid by a teacher, I've been bullied by other students, slugged in the gut, mooned on the play ground, pulled by my hair across the ground... I've been taught things at an early age that shouldn't have been learned till later in life, the over-sexualization of the children around me leading into conversations that should have been had with adults. Sure, at some point, we are all going to experience bullies and people who do inappropriate things, but there should be someone we can rely on. I had amazing parents that were ever present in my life, and listened when I told them things were wrong, saved me from bad situations when they could, but they didn't catch everything, some things I didn't know how to tell them about, and that's what I want to save my children from.
When I was about five years old I was molested by our neighbor. He was just a boy himself, I can only imagine he had been taken advantage of, and just repeating what had been done to him... He wasn't mean, he didn't force me, he asked me to do stuff and I didn't know it was wrong... Physically it didn't feel bad... I only started to realize something was wrong when an adult came around and suddenly things were supposed to be secret. But by then it was too late for me to stop feeling what had been started.
Today, we can read in the news about daycare providers, teachers, other care takers to whom we trust our most precious treasures, our children... The government does screenings, tries to protect the children, some places even have security cameras, but that doesn't prevent the person whose never been an abuser or been caught before and knows how to be sneaky, discovering some hole in security... They cause physical and emotional harm until they get caught, and by then you may not know how many they have affected...
My therapist says there is nothing wrong with expecting to be allowed in my child's class room anytime I want. So, I talked to the preschool teacher about my concerns, and while this teacher was obviously trying her best to comfort me, to assure me that I could observe the class room as much as I wanted, the government doesn't know I'm not a pervert, and while I'm willing to submit to a background check, the schools aren't willing to have ALL the parents so involved in their children's education. Beside having to figure out some form of transportation for me to go with J, I couldn't take Sweet P with me, which would mean I would have to trust that whoever I left Sweet P with was not a pervert or around a pervert, while I try to protect J from encountering a pervert...
I can't give one child the protection and not the other...
As mother of my children, I feel it is my calling to protect and rear them to the best of my ability and sacrifice whatever I can live without to give them the best. If it comes down to a choice between a little inconsistency and perhaps slightly slower development for J because of me, versus having him put at risk of running into some pervert that could cause much greater, lasting harm that would endanger J's development even more... I choose the first option. My therapist says "At least you will know that IF anything ever happens, it wasn't because you didn't try your absolute best to protect them."
So, we will be homeschooling J. I'm still afraid of my own lack in ability to provide ALL that he needs, and can only pray that I will have the support I need. But I feel peaceful in the knowledge that I will be with both of my children and they will be safe.
Eventually J will be old enough and when he can comprehend the danger I will teach him how to protect himself, but for now, I am his guardian. Don't mess with me.
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