2 days old

The cute little cards on our hospital bassinet
All dressed up in pink and purple.
The beautiful blanket she is wrapped in is a gift from her  Grandma Cassani.
The tiny purple bow on her hat was complimentary with her bath in the nursery.  
The boys woke Grandma Cassani @ 5:30 am to play with toys.

Special Delivery

Daddy's "Before" picture

Mama's "Before" picture

The crowd at the observation window - waiting on a miracle!
Daddy record's the event

Destiny Lynn Cassani checks out with the nurse
-
Weighs in at 8 lbs. 6 oz. Measures 21" long.


The Flasher!


The "After" picture

Close up!

Daddy's Girl 
Sweet cherub face

Gossiping with her Aunt MeiMei

Sneaking a peak

Look at all that dark hair!

A.D.D.

Usually I have a pretty specific idea for each post but today my interests are pretty random. Consider yourself warned,

Do you google?
I do. I used to think up a lot of questions that would go unanswered because by the time I found a resource I forgot the question.. & I would meet people who were incredible good at remembering their questions for later, and sharing what they learned... I would think "I just don't have questions I guess..." 

I was wrong. Now I have a hand held computer, an iPod touch, with access to a world of knowledge. The moment I wonder about something I think "I should google that..." One thing leads to another and 1 hour later I go "Wow, now I know..."

For example: I recently made a lump sum deposit that was too large for the commode to accept. I thought "Should I be worried? Seems abnormal..." Didn't call my doctor though... Google images search "Huge poop"

Some of you are gagging and saying "Seriously? That's disgusting, I can't believe you would post that." Let's be honest. You have probably googled some gross stuff before, some of you are probably googling huge poop right now, just so you know what I found... Not so abnormal after all to have a large crap once in a lifetime...

Along more serious lines I then became curious... My mom says bananas get her backed up (Sorry to embarrass you publicly, Madre) but it seems like they get me going... Turns out, both can be true... Bananas are high in fiber and should be had with lots of fluid.

Did you know chickens can lay eggs up to 7 years or longer? 
Certain bugs will protect your fruit trees from bad bugs or diseases. 
Other plants will keep ants out of your garden. 
USDA organic DOES allow use of some pesticides. 
Bt may not kill you, that doesn't mean it's good for you. Kind of like smoking, slow suicide.
Coffee enigma? Weird. 
Also, the word "weird" is, in itself, strange, because it doesn't follow the rule "I before E except after C." 
Apparently there are a lot of other words that don't follow that rule but I may just let you google that yourself.

Reading scriptures... What does anon mean? Google knows.

Reading Farworld, Mr Z character uses big word. What does that mean? Google knows.

Someone else will bring up a question I don't know the answer to, and I will say "Let's google it." Conversation takes on new levels...

You know how people say "don't think of a white elephant" and that image pops in your head for a split second before you tell yourself to think of something else? Yup, that what happens. I google the first thing in my brain, which leads to another question and another...

How much of this information do I actually maintain in my head? I doubt google knows...but I will check in a minute, they probably have some statistical study about how long people remember what they google...

What was I posting about?

Oh yeah, shopping google for a kiddie pool for the boys to enjoy this summer maybe... Walmart still sells those cheap plastic ones, which is probably what I should settle for but I really hate that they can crack pretty easy... That's why they are so cheap. Those ones with the soft sides are easy to empty, that's usually exactly what j wants to do too, let the water out... Inflatable? No, J think "ballon" and then wants it to go "POP!"

Nate says "Pretty much you need something indestructible, like made from cast iron..." "I need a horse trough" Google that...

Is it legal to put a child in the front seat if there is no airbag? Interesting conversation threads on google actually did not answer that question for me, I had to call the policeman I know from church. Answer: Yes, as long as the kid is still in the proper safety seat ( i.e. booster or other restraint) you will not get ticketed, but the back seat is still safer, even for adult passengers. Supposedly, THE safest place in the car is actually the most uncomfortable. The hump in the middle of the backseat with the annoying shoulder strap seat belt the always locks up.

Also, according to a google image search, a map if the U.S. shows the safest place to live to avoid natural disasters is in southern Utah. Now I know where to plan my dream ranch... Fences that have a lifetime warrantee DO exist. How many acres of hay would I need for my horses? How many chickens would i need to make a living off the eggs? Do people still pay to go on retreats? How many cabins could I put on one well? 

All we take with us from this life is the knowledge we have gained, so it isn't a complete waste of time, right?

The little things...


Satan starts small...

Google and the President have displayed support of a public figure on Easter and it isn't Christ. Fine, no big deal right?
Legalized same-sex marriage... Fine. I mean, it's not like their choice is going to affect you personally.... Right?
People die everyday because of drunk drivers, even though driving under the influence is illegal. People die because of an overdose on illegal drugs.
People die because of addictions but same-sex marriage isn't going to kill anyone... Right?

Satan starts small...
He starts with...
A few miles over the speed limit, you aren't killing anyone right?
One angry feeling, it's okay to hold onto as long as you don't act on it...
One swear word, it's not like the tongue has any power to hurt.
One longing look at the good looking man or woman down the way, it isn't like you thought of having sex with them...
One drink of alcohol, it won't get you drunk and it never has to happen again...
One cigarette won't burn a hole in your lungs or hurt anyone else...
One movie scene, the actors are responsible for the sin, not you.
One make out session, it's not sex, it doesn't lead to sex, it's just a longer than usual kiss.
One night sharing someone's bed before marriage, it's not sex, it doesn't lead to sex, you're just too tired to drive home safely...

One omission of God from the pledge, from the money, from the law, from the education of our children, from the foundation of our nation...

Before anyone realizes how far too far is, too far has come and gone... Fined, imprisoned for speeding, hitting/killing someone because you couldn't stop the car a few seconds sooner, anger causes cancer, swearing and hateful words you can never take back from the person you will not see alive another day, that longing look was noticed and flirtation is exchanged, the alcohol in your blood is enough to place you at the scene of a murder crime someone else committed, that cigarette happened to be the one that could change your health overnight, that make out session brought on unexpected feelings and the other person was willing to go further from the beginning, too many nights in that welcoming bed become a habit of casual intercourse, suicide starts to sound like the only way to truly get out of this horrible world...

An omission of God means that everything that ever held value becomes worthless. Morality, family, the air you breathe.

Where does it stop? Where did it start?

Are you ready to be an example?

Start small. Don't let the devil get started.

If he has had a place in your life, kick him out. Invite the Savior to be your new soulmate.

God gave us his son. The least we can do is live our life for him in return.

Looking a Gift Horse In the Mouth

Having worked with horses I would just like to explain this for those who don't already know...
Assessing the health of a new horse can often include checking the mouth for various signs of age or illness. If the horse is a gift, most would consider it bad manners to check the mouth while the giver is present, because if you find problems, they may feel you take the gift for granted...

This can also be a slap in the face between horse owners because if the animal is in truly bad condition... Basicly, the first owner is pawning off the responsibility of repairing/disposing of the animal...

Someone once told my husband "Girl's really like gifts!"
Nate tried to explain that I had already told him early in our relationship, "I don't want STUFF", especially if it breaks easy, lasts 1 minute or doesn't have usefulness.
"She's just saying that..."this someone argued.

For my birthday, christmas, any opportunity that calls for a gift I usually specify clearly in advance what I want, usually something LONG LASTING and pretty much not just for myself... An ipod touch, because I can use it to school J, the next baby in our family, the movie or music we all want to watch or listen to repeatedly as a family, the product that comes with a lifetime warranty, if it ever even breaks in the first place... If you ask me what I need, I WILL TELL YOU.

I have a gift and a curse of being a pretty honest person... My husband will tell you, I can hardly keep anything from him and he has never heard me lie to anyone else.

Because of this I really have a hard time being a gracious receiver of gifts. When I show too much enthusiasm I'm concerned it will feed into more stuff being given and I don't want to offend others when I give something away again the next day or never use it... Even now I am struggling not to list the things that have been gifted that I am trying to figure out what to do with...

So it really frustrates me! I usually explain in advance that I have enough of certain things, that I only NEED specific items. I even posted on a picture on Facebook recently and someone had the nerve to argue that what I have is not adequate. That is a personal opinion that could have been kept to one's self. I'm trying really hard to be polite, but I have just about HAD IT!

HOW MUCH MORE SPECIFIC DO I NEED TO BE? It is offensive to me! Like you are calling me a liar, saying I haven't been honest about what I want and need. I'm telling you, don't waste your money! If you don't want to take my advice, don't be offended when I start handing the gift back to you, because you have officially been told! I'm done being polite, trying to be enthusiastic as you knowingly give me something I don't need, I will ask you to be responsible for finding another home for the item.

If I said I needed a horses, or even just had space for the creature, and someone gifted one to me, please understand, I would be excited and would not dare to look it in the mouth in the giver's presence. But if I didn't ask for it, and especially couldn't provide for it, I would ask the giver to please find a more deserving home for the animal.

Health & Progress

The Lord has said that He has never given a law that was solely temporal (see D&C 29:34–35)

In October of 1984 Ezra Taft Benson in an article titled "Do Not Despair"-

"The condition of the physical body can affect the spirit.That’s why the Lord gave us the Word of Wisdom. He also said that we should retire to our beds early and arise early (see D&C 88:124), that we should not run faster than we have strength (see D&C 10:4), and that we should use moderation in all good things. In general, the more food we eat in its natural state and the less it is refined without additives, the healthier it will be for us. Food can affect the mind, and deficiencies in certain elements in the body can promote mental depression. A good physical examination periodically is a safeguard and may spot problems that can be remedied. Rest and physical exercise are essential, and a walk in the fresh air can refresh the spirit. Wholesome recreation is part of our religion, and a change of pace is necessary, and even its anticipation can lift the spirit."

*The parts in bold are what stood out to me most.


USDA organic
U.S. producers are turning to certified organic farming systems as a potential way to lower input costs, decrease reliance on nonrenewable resources, capture high-value markets and premium prices, and boost farm income. Organic farming systems rely on ecologically based practices such as cultural and biological pest management, exclusion of all synthetic chemicals, antibiotics, and hormones in crop and livestock production.

Word of Wisdom
"The Word of Wisdom is a law of health revealed by the Lord for the physical and spiritual benefit of His children. On February 27, 1833, as recorded in section 89 of the Doctrine and Covenants, the Lord revealed which foods are good for us to eat and which substances are not good for the human body. He also promised health, protection, knowledge, and wisdom to those who obey the Word of Wisdom."
-source: lds.org

Education
I AM NOT AN EXPERT. I know I am not nor do I pretend to be an expert. There are a LOT of resources regarding information of the various effects of different foods. I'm willing to say I may have been misinformed from time to time. It is very difficult to know which source to trust.
Regardless how you choose to verify your information, there is wisdom in doing your research!

For us especially, we started out thinking that only a few things would have to change here and there... Thinking that, ultimately, the cost would only vary slightly... This has switch to an exaggerated difference in how we view food value and cost.
With all the genetic modification, the bleaching or other processing methods, the way the food is packed, the pesticides that are on the produce and in the soil, the supposedly life threatening diseases and the vaccines and antibiotics used on animals, the fact that canola oil actually comes from rapeseed which can be toxic... Certain sources suspect that even though USDA organic labeling may be present, it may have been bought, and may not be accurate.
Is anything safe anymore? How do you know?

Attitude
Changing your diet is hardly so simple as eliminating one or two things, in todays society it is almost a complete overhaul in lifestyle!
How you view your health: How important is your health to you really? Does your current health limit you from doing other things that you would like to do? Does being able to eat whatever you want immediately overcome your longterm desire for life?
I have told my husband in the past that I didn't care... I wanted to eat whatever satisfied me and that I would be happy with only living to 60 years of age. And then reality kicked my tush. My health was not where I really wanted it to be. Suffering headaches every morning, sugar induced hangovers, the lack of energy to go outside and play with my kids or pets, pain in my body if I tried to do physical labor... None of that was enjoyable enough to truly warrant the way I was eating and I knew it would only get worse. And then the foods we ate started to affect my children: Food allergies, bodily symptoms of illness, frequent colds and stomach bugs... This had to stop!
Others may not ever associate their diet with the ailments they are dealing with until they make a change. Am I completely healed? No, not yet. And it's mostly my own fault because I still give into the temptation of immediate satisfaction from time to time.
That alone, my own lack of discipline, makes it difficult for me to feel like I can try to tell anyone else that this is the right thing to do. And many people have the same attitude I used to: Would the government REALLY allow food companies to poison us? Would the food companies knowingly do things that could be harmful to the customers? What about all that research shown by those same companies saying that the food isn't harmful? Would they really lie to our faces about that?
My answer: What's to stop them? Even all the companies employees and government officials aren't educated about everything that is happening to our food and the food companies, who are making money off of addicting additives, aren't likely to bring it to the government's attention on purpose.
Are you willing to take the risk on your health and your future? Do you really just want to leave it in someone else's hands? Are you ready for others to think you are nuts? Is keeping up an appearance of sanity more important than maintaining your ability to live life to the fullest?

Budgeting
It is possible. Not easy, but possible.
Ways to save:

Online
http://www.vitacost.com/organic-food-category
http://www.greenpolkadotbox.com
http://www.shoporganic.com/prod_detail_list/organic-bulk-foods
http://www.sunfood.com
http://www.natural-lifestyle.com

Walmart has a few select items that have the USDA organic label. Again, it's hard to know just how much we can trust that, but a little regulation is better than none, right? Those few items can be used for a lot of things so stock up at Wal-mart, because paying the price of organic in a specialty store will certainly add up...

Hunting and Fishing
Warning: Go with someone else experienced first and get a feel for this before you seek out your own equipment. In my own home I have personal reasons for not wanting to have guns around (I do not have anything against others who do). So shooting down an animal is something that I will probably never accomplish, but fishing is another matter for me. No, I still don't think I will waste time and money with the hook and line technique. Check this out! There are ways to trap fish and take it home, just by using things found in nature. Preparing the fish is something I have yet to figure out... Get educated and find what works for you.
Trapping fish

Butcher's Shop: If doing your own hunting or fishing is outside your comfort zone, or even just preparing the meat once it's been acquired... Check your local butcher's shop for special orders of processed deer or elk that someone else may not have been able to take off with. The butcher will sometime have an excess that is cheaper per pound that the grocery store meats and since it is wild game, there is no need to worry about whether the animal was genetically altered, vaccinated, or ate genetically altered foods. Timing is important in this method of saving: There are only certain hunting seasons where the butcher will get a lot of processing orders and you will have to compete with other people who are trying to be smart like you.

Local growers: sometimes you can find someone locally who will raise an animal or produce according to your liking. Shop around, because while this may be for your health and better than store bought goods, it can still be pricey.

Your own back yard...

Gardening
I do NOT have a green thumb... In fact I would say my thumbs, fingers, whole hands are brown. I kill plants when I try to love them... Also, I lack patience. I have other places I prefer to spend time with my kids... Being in the dirt with bugs (especially spiders!) and weeds is not enjoyable to me...
Make sure you get at least some enjoyment out of it or else sticking with it will not happen...

AND if it works for you, GOD BLESS YOUR GARDEN!
Do it right! Research before you invest, have a good plan for getting the most out of whatever space you have and the climate you live in. Be sure about the correct amount and use of sun exposure, and moisture! 
If watering is the most difficult thing for you to keep up with, figure out an automated hydration system! Recycled water will help save on your water bill. Be careful if you are gardening next to a building that the rain or other water running off the side of the building will not poison your food. you can still use that space for flowering plants that will attract good bugs like bees and aphids to your yard.

Do NOT buy seeds or dirt if you can help it! Get starters from fellow gardeners or:
Grow food from scraps
Fertilizing your soil is important, but that doesn't mean run to the store! Again, use the scraps from your table!
Fertilizing

We have access to a small plot of dirt outside our condo and my only intention is to place a few fruitful bushes there that can live on the sprinkling system water supply and won't require my attention except to be pruned and harvested.
Look up! Thins don't only grown on ground level!
We have a balcony but the side that faces in the sun gets such little exposure that I doubt the value of trying to grow a potted bush, but I might try.
Potted potatoes
A smart person would use this space by hanging a veil of vegetation...
Garden Wall
Use your fences, and build more fences!
Windows are another places to try potted gardens. Adding a shelf or two in the light of the window will allow for more pots to be placed there, growing things that produce vertically (bean poles, tomato vines, etc) will increase the worth of your efforts.
Growing UP
Again, I lack to fortitude, but you might be better at it!

Animals
Yes, we still eat meat, though perhaps more sparingly! I really enjoy the flavor it adds and have not yet felt we could move to a vegetarian diet. Maybe you are braver than I am and don't crave the meat so much in the first place - Kudos to you! Balanced diet being important: if you go completely off meat, be sure to replace the nutrients provided. Do your research!

Here is one aspect where I get a little excited! Animals are so much more alive to me and therefore I can enjoy the interaction of caring for them and watching my labors pay off... However, there are limitations! The biggest limitation I face personally are the inner city limitations regarding "livestock." Even having single chicken in a cage can require a permit... And permission from my HOA, which I am still working on... So, check out the laws of your area before you invest, make sure you have adequate accommodations so that the city will not force you to give up your animals. Sometimes talking to your neighbors ahead of time will help you to prevent them from being upset and help them to feel like they can come to you first if they have concerns later on.

Rabbits:
*IF* you have your own lettuce garden to feed them from, and you don't mind butchering on your own, it *might* be worth the time to raise meat rabbits. Maybe that's something you can do, I don't have the garden space to raise that much.
Otherwise, in the time it takes for a rabbit to reach maturity and bear new bunnies for you, it could eat more vegetables than you do! The cost per pound of meat you would acquire would be far more than cost of a grocery product!

Cows:
Again, if you have your own property, enough to grow your own hay, a cow might be worth it. They can have dual purpose if you want cows milk and milk byproducts but I will warn you... Cow's milk is usually intended for a baby cow, with fats and hormones intended for an animal that is MEANT to grow over a ton. Humans are not MEANT to grow over a ton! BUT milk can still be good for someone in the family that might have a difficult time putting on and keeping on weight. That just isn't common for MOST Americans... If calcium is what you are worried about, research alternate calcium resources, because there ARE better ways to strengthen your bones.

Chickens, Ducks, Geese:
All these birds have dual purpose. They produce eggs and then can be butchered for a feast. The feathers can even be useful if you want to go that far and don't have allergy issues. Feeding and housing them are important though, as well as temperament and what you are willing to put up with: Do your research before you invest!

With any animal, there is an element of health concerns in how they are housed, if they can injure themselves, and if they are in contact with other animals that could pass along disease. Do your research! Be prepared to keep them safe and avoid vaccination/vet costs.

Children
Our kids have been a big part in trying to change our diet in a way that they will eat the right foods without pitching major fits! My older boy with get tired of certain things faster and be really slow about eating if he isn't in love with what's on his plate.
While I know some will criticize me for this, I ABSOLUTELY HATE wasted food and picky eaters. I can understand not liking the taste, to the point of being unable to stomach it... That's not what I'm talking about when I say PICKY EATERS. I mean, my son will eat the rice and beans just fine until he discovers there is bread in the fridge and suddenly NOTHING matters but the bread...
My solution in this situation is: He doesn't get bread. He doesn't get served anything else, until he finishes the rice and beans he started. If we have to, he may stop only half way through his plate, at which point, we stick it in the fridge and the next time he is hungry, that's all we offer. The next meal starts wherever the last one left off...
With my younger child this is harder but the rule is still the same. We don't make an exception just because of age. If they truly are hungry, they will eat what we are serving.
That being said, we still try to be accommodating.
The boys were having a hard time with the texture when we switch from canned green beans, which were softer, to frozen and then steamed green beans, that were a bit more crunchy. To make sure they were getting their veggies we began running the frozen vegetable through a processor that chopped them into tiny bits. Mixed in with the various rice, potatoe or pasta dishes, the boys hardly notice they are eating mostly veg.

GET CREATIVE. Someone smart once said something like "Desperation is the mother of all invention."

Recipes
At this point, I think recipes deserves a whole separate post, I will try to remember to post a link here when I have that update... There are a LOT online but I will post what we have had most success with and ways to replace ingredients if a recipe calls for something that isn't in our diet...

Results
It may take a lifetime to see all the results of our efforts. Immediately though, I would like to tell you that we have noticed, we are not getting sick anywhere near as often and even what little bit of congestion or other discomfort shows up is hardly enough to knock us off our feet. The exception being that while I am pregnant, circumstances are worse and hard to discern what is a result of diet, versus being pregnant.

Grateful.

Recently as I have struggled through my own personal hell (I don't use that term lightly, the burning in my stomach seems not unlike the eternal burning that awaits the devil's angels.) I have been consumed with thoughts of gratitude for all the people who have reached out to help me and my family.

There are angels among us. I'm sure you've heard that before, but I'd just like to point out a few I have identified lately. 

Most especially my husband who has sacrificed so much time and energy... He is willing to go through this trial because of his love for me and our children. He has taken over responsibilities, like a single parent with a spouse who watches from the couch. He has pushed through his depression, done the cooking, the shopping, some cleaning, some changing diapers, some feeding the kids, and goes to work to bring home the cash that barely survives one month. And he stays.

My mother, upon hearing about the struggles we were facing with my son showing autistic tendencies, spend almost half of her tax return on audio cds developed by NASA engineers. It's a bit more complex, but basically, they play sound frequencies that create connections in the brain. We have been playing these in the boys room as they sleep and we have seen some good progress in both of the boys.

My mother in-law, upon hearing about the struggles we were facing with my son showing autistic tendencies, offered to help with any educational tools that we might come across that we felt would really help and get used. Jonathan LOVES the V-TECK e-reader we purchase a year ago and the new cartridges are exciting to him. He will spend hours following along with the stories or playing the games.

My visiting teachers... Because we don't own a car and while pregnant I cannot walk very far with out excruciating pain and fainting, they have given me rides to doctor's appointment or provided emergency transportation to the store for medicine.

Nate's single high-school buddy, who will take Nate to get groceries, will come over and keep Nate company and help with the cooking that I can't do right now. This is SO meaningful to Nate and says so much about this guy, who could just say there are other, more fun, things to do with his time...

Extended family members who unexpectedly stepped in to help us pay some bills in order to avoid a bankruptcy we had been perfectly willing to face on our own. 

Our hearts are overwhelmed at the love and grace of these people and others. We LONG to return or pass on such kindness to the many around us who struggle, we have new compassion.

Thank you! For your love, support, listening, and most especially for your prayers. You are amazing and we pray the Lord will bless you for all that you are, and one day that we might return the favor that has been shown to us.

My Jolly Boy

Sorry, I have been focused on other things around our house... Wanting to have things arranged comfortably before new baby arrives. Nesting starts so early for me, and things will never be perfect, I know, but I'll try to get as close as I can... 

That said, I haven't been working on my blog so much lately and hardly updated anyone on our decision regarding J. 


Wow, there is an incredible surge of emotion for me as I write this... My love for my family... My hope that any of you can possibly understand what it's like... It's overwhelming...


Nate and I prayed and talked long and in depth about the possibilities and what would be best for J. I agreed at first to the preschool because I got scared about my own ability to be consistent and knowledgable enough to give J what he really needed... My concern that if I could not later prove myself to the state, they would go so far as to take my son from me and force me to send him to public school anyway... As time got closer however to J actually taking his first day at the preschool I started getting more and more knots in my gut. I tried to shake it off, tried to tell myself it was just a "first time parent taking their kid to school" kind of thing...


Because of experiences in my past, I recognize my own tendency to be super protective. I've talked with a therapist about my fears, my desire to keep my kids safe from some of the things I've gone through. I know I can't protect them from EVERYTHING, I know I want them to experience LIFE in all of it's wonder and beauty. But there are some things I know I will protect them from that others may not be so aware of because of my experiences...


Some of these stories are detailed in earlier posts, which you may have read already or can go back look at some time... I've been called stupid by a teacher, I've been bullied by other students, slugged in the gut, mooned on the play ground, pulled by my hair across the ground... I've been taught things at an early age that shouldn't have been learned till later in life, the over-sexualization of the children around me leading into conversations that should have been had with adults. Sure, at some point, we are all going to experience bullies and people who do inappropriate things, but there should be someone we can rely on. I had amazing parents that were ever present in my life, and listened when I told them things were wrong, saved me from bad situations when they could, but they didn't catch everything, some things I didn't know how to tell them about, and that's what I want to save my children from.


When I was about five years old I was molested by our neighbor. He was just a boy himself, I can only imagine he had been taken advantage of, and just repeating what had been done to him... He wasn't mean, he didn't force me, he asked me to do stuff and I didn't know it was wrong... Physically it didn't feel bad... I only started to realize something was wrong when an adult came around and suddenly things were supposed to be secret. But by then it was too late for me to stop feeling what had been started.


Today, we can read in the news about daycare providers, teachers, other care takers to whom we trust our most precious treasures, our children... The government does screenings, tries to protect the children, some places even have security cameras, but that doesn't prevent the person whose never been an abuser or been caught before and knows how to be sneaky, discovering some hole in security... They cause physical and emotional harm until they get caught, and by then you may not know how many they have affected...


My therapist says there is nothing wrong with expecting to be allowed in my child's class room anytime I want. So, I talked to the preschool teacher about my concerns, and while this teacher was obviously trying her best to comfort me, to assure me that I could observe the class room as much as I wanted, the government doesn't know I'm not a pervert, and while I'm willing to submit to a background check, the schools aren't willing to have ALL the parents so involved in their children's education. Beside having to figure out some form of transportation for me to go with J, I couldn't take Sweet P with me, which would mean I would have to trust that whoever I left Sweet P with was not a pervert or around a pervert, while I try to protect J from encountering a pervert...

I can't give one child the protection and not the other...



As mother of my children, I feel it is my calling to protect and rear them to the best of my ability and sacrifice whatever I can live without to give them the best. If it comes down to a choice between a little inconsistency and perhaps slightly slower development for J because of me, versus having him put at risk of running into some pervert that could cause much greater, lasting harm that would endanger J's development even more... I choose the first option. My therapist says "At least you will know that IF anything ever happens, it wasn't because you didn't try your absolute best to protect them."


So, we will be homeschooling J. I'm still afraid of my own lack in ability to provide ALL that he needs, and can only pray that I will have the support I need. But I feel peaceful in the knowledge that I will be with both of my children and they will be safe.

Eventually J will be old enough and when he can comprehend the danger I will teach him how to protect himself, but for now, I am his guardian. Don't mess with me. 

The New Diet

My posts about developments with J have stirred a bit of excitement. People seem to be coming away with various ideas and so to try to answer some questions here's what I have so far...

J has NOT been diagnosed with autism, nor am I saying he is autistic.
Some of his behaviors are very similar.

He may yet receive that diagnosis from someone else, but I will only play along if it means we get access to help we agree would b good for J.

I do NOT believe J will need to live with this the rest of his life, as long as we change a lot of things RIGHT NOW.

Dietary changes include and are not limited to: eliminating foods that have been processed, having hormones added/altered, genetically modified foods, pesticides, artificial dyes... ANYTHING FAKE, not natural, will be taken out.

We are going to get a toaster over to replace our microwave, but still refrain from too many over cooked foods.

Water: we are going to try to find a natural form of getting clean water to all the taps in our house. If any one knows of a water filter that will get our city water clean, naturally, references are welcome.

We are going to ditch all the chemical cleaners in our house and find recipes/stock up on ingredients for natural cleaning products. If you have a recipe you know works, please share! I know I have seen a lot, but don't want to try them all, if you already know what works.

We are going to seek out the possibility of physical and mental exercises that will promote development alongside the dietary changes, such as a horse riding therapy that Lynn has worked with before and seen amazing results. Because this therapy is not government funded, it may be something we will need to invest in through unique means.

We will be working as well with teachers/pathologist on special learning/teaching methods to get J caught up where he seems to be lagging... But we will not be relying on them if they are not willing to have us present at all times.

Any suggestion of prescription medicine will be declined and though we are willing to do some testing, any testing that subjects J to more radiation or other harm, will also be declined.

J's development

Today we went in for testing but before I went in I received an interesting phone call...
My mother lives in Mountain Home, Idaho and I had called her last night in distress about what the doctor had said and about how the testing today would go. She has a friend there, who I have met and who has a special device for testing, which I personally believe to be very accurate. I have seen this device in action for myself and it is very simple in appearance but has never, to my knowledge, given a wrong answer. I would try to explain the science for those of you who need those kind of facts to be able to believe, but I honestly don't hold those details in my brain for very long and once I know something works, that's all I need.

Based on her testing she explained that, yes, the tendencies that J has been showing are typically labeled autistic. The causes for his autistic symptoms were a combination of things...

I'm going to time-skip back...
When J was 2 yrs. old we discovered he has an allergy to wheat. No, not a gluten intolerance (please don't talk to me about that because I already know!). We discovered it because for three days in a row his body would reject what we were feeding him. He wasn't keeping anything down and at first I thought maybe he had caught some sort of bug. But he didn't have a fever or show any lethargy usually associated with being sick. I called our mother's friend, who does this special testing, to find out what was wrong. She said to stop giving him wheat and he would recover. We had been giving him a lot of bread around this time so it was a pretty difficult change. But we changed his diet, and it worked. He kept his food down and we cleared out everything from our house that we thought could make him sick like that again.

A short time later I noticed that he was still getting sick fairly often, that it wasn't normal. We called our testing friend and she identified another allergy: Rice. Not just any rice, white rice and basmati rice. He can still have brown rice or jasmine rice. We started going through all the labels that we had looked through before but instead of looking for wheat ingredients, we looked for rice. Like I said, it wasn't a gluten problem, but we ended up shopping in a lot of the "gluten free" areas to get a variety and now we discovered that a LOT of these items had rice.

And the discovery continues... We have still gone to the store and bought things unsuspecting, only to discover later, the reason they were cheaper or on sale is because they were packed with fillers like wheat or rice. Meat patties, french fries, various candies, the list goes on, and for someone who hasn't had to live like us, you'd be surprised.

Time skip back to now... Our testing friend says that immunizations and modified foods (which is part of the reason for J's reaction to wheat or rice) are THE major contributors to my sons stunted development. With a LOT of strict changes in diet and some homeopathy, our son can heal, but not with traditional medicine.

This is so hard for me. I hate sounding like a whiner, but I'm going to whine, so feel free to skip this paragraph.  WHY ME!? God isn't supposed to give us anything He doesn't believe we can handle, but like the great Mother Teresa, must he believe me to be so strong? Other parents have dealt with this, I know I'm not alone. But other parents don't deal with this and have NO CLUE how hard it is... I can't take my kids to fast food anymore, I can't take my kids to just any grocery store shelf and say "What do you want?" And recipes... let me tell you, we lack creativity already when it comes to food so this whole diet thing is getting pretty bland. I already disliked being in the kitchen before, so having to be more creative in there now WEARS ME OUT! And the expense... You've heard teachers don't receive the greatest pay, well Nate is still only making about half that... According to the income scale, we are poverty level. So putting even more of our budget toward special foods in NOT easy. We have to figure out what else to cut out of our already limited life.

After receiving this new knowledge, I wondered if I should continue with the school district's testing at all? Why bother if they were only going to tell me what I already know? Well, I figured, if the government did this to my kid, they owed it to me to help deal with the consequences.

The testing went good, I guess? J was very willing to participate but it wasn't exactly what I had anticipated. I expected the tests to be a bit more thorough in identifying specific knowledge and ability. The generality of these tests placed J in the very bottom of everything. I know J is far more capable than those tests revealed and the sweet ladies doing the testing acknowledged as much but, thanks to that government of ours, they were not allowed to deviate from the writing of the tests in any way. To their credit though, because of the crappy testing, we qualify for help.

J will be assigned a speech pathologist and he can attend preschool.

I still intend to have J's hearing and vision tested just to show others that those are not things impeding his development. The people of the school district did not give him label (such as autistic), not yet anyway. I don't know how much we will send him to preschool. Partly it depends how much they will allow me to be there to observe. I am excited to work with the speech pathologist, since I'm sure she will have some ideas on how I can help J learn some of those things he hasn't comprehended before now.


I'm sharing this will all of you because I want you to witness this journey and hopefully avoid some of the same mistakes and consequences. Do your research and make a decision before it's too late.

Seeking diagnosis

Took both J and Sweet P to the doctor's office for the first time since J was 18 months and since Sweet P was 3 months...

Some of you may think I am horrible for not getting them there more regularly but I have my reasons to distrust traditional medicine and we haven't had insurance until just this year.

Thankfully the doctor said the strange bump on Sweet P's foot is nothing to be worried about, unless it gets bigger, then maybe get it checked again, but it should eventually shrink and disappear on it's own.

However as I discussed with him the different things we were noticing with J's development... The doctor's concern grew and he asked a lot of questions... Eventually he came down to two possibilities.

One, it could all just be hearing related.
Two, it could be autism.

I shudder.

I'm not sure I'm ready for this. I'm almost hoping that it is just a hearing issue, I think that would be easier for me to handle... We go in tomorrow for an hour long speech assessment and to schedule a hearing test.

But what if it isn't his hearing?

I decided to look up autism as soon as the munchkins were in bed tonight...
Here's some of my discovery:

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0002494/
Says:

Symptoms
Most parents of autistic children suspect that something is wrong by the time the child is 18 months old and seek help by the time the child is age 2. Children with autism typically have difficulties in:

Pretend play
Social interactions
Verbal and nonverbal communication

Some children with autism appear normal before age 1 or 2 and then suddenly "regress" and lose language or social skills they had previously gained. This is called the regressive type of autism.

People with autism may:

Be overly sensitive in sight, hearing, touch, smell, or taste (for example, they may refuse to wear "itchy" clothes and become distressed if they are forced to wear the clothes)

Have unusual distress when routines are changed

Perform repeated body movements

Show unusual attachments to objects

The symptoms may vary from moderate to severe.

Communication problems may include:

Cannot start or maintain a social conversation

Communicates with gestures instead of words

Develops language slowly or not at all

Does not adjust gaze to look at objects that others are looking at

Does not refer to self correctly (for example, says "you want water" when the child means "I want water")

Does not point to direct others' attention to objects (occurs in the first 14 months of life)

Repeats words or memorized passages, such as commercials

Social interaction:

Does not make friends

Does not play interactive games

Is withdrawn

May not respond to eye contact or smiles, or may avoid eye contact

May treat others as if they are objects

Prefers to spend time alone, rather than with others

Shows a lack of empathy

Response to sensory information:

Does not startle at loud noises

Has heightened or low senses of sight, hearing, touch, smell, or taste

May find normal noises painful and hold hands over ears

May withdraw from physical contact because it is overstimulating or overwhelming

Rubs surfaces, mouths or licks objects

Seems to have a heightened or low response to pain

Play:

Doesn't imitate the actions of others

Prefers solitary or ritualistic play

Shows little pretend or imaginative play

Behaviors

"Acts up" with intense tantrums

Gets stuck on a single topic or task (perseveration)

Has a short attention span

Has very narrow interests

Is overactive or very passive

Shows aggression to others or self

Shows a strong need for sameness

Uses repetitive body movements




The things I have highlighted are things that stand out about J, but even some of those barely... To me some of these things seem typical for a 4 yr. old or I can remember doing things when I was even older.

Where I have highlighted mentions of sensitivity to hearing... We live next to the train and J LOVES it. He rarely puts his hands on his ears in his excitement to point and jabber about what he is seeing. But in other cases such as having the blender or the vacuum turned on, he will cover his ears and act worried. I remember being sensitive to the sudden loudness by comparison, when I was younger I would run from the vacuum or cover my ears while mom ran the blender and banged about the kitchen.

Unusual distress: It usually isn't that he is angry or against the idea of activities changing. He LOVES to go new places and will get SO excited. He will get whiny when we can't getting ready to leave fast enough and his anxiety overwhelms me. Just how abnormal is that though? Don't a lot of kids get excited about going out?

Attachment to objects: AGAIN, I think "Don't a lot of young children do this?" Occasionally J will have one toy that is his favorite and he wants to take it everywhere... But it doesn't usually turn into a major fit, momentary is sadness is forgotten when we move on to the next activity.

Maintain a social conversation: J can hold up his end! He will talk a blue-streak, though you may understand very few actual words out of his excited jabber. And if you ask him a question he may not answer it or you may not understand the answer. He has gotten better at this but still not great. 

Gestures instead of words: J can sometimes do this but it seems to me he is usually acting out the behavior of his baby brother and if we ask him to use his words, he can clearly and nicely say what he needs or wants, maybe requiring a little coaching.

Develops language slowly: This is, of course, the biggest concern that has brought me to think that some how I need help with J. Lately he is learning more and more words and I can catch more of what he is trying to jabber about but others rarely catch it because their ears are not familiar with his sound. And compared with others his age he still has a ways to go. He can count to three, but he doesn't recognize any letters.

Refer to self: For the longest time J would say "You" instead of "I." but recently he has changed that and said "I" or on the rare occasion he may say his own name to refer to himself.

Repeats words: This is perplexing... I mean, if his language is developing, don't I want him to repeat what I say? Isn't he supposed to try out the words for himself? He doesn't memorize a whole script to repeat later, but for example, today he started repeating the doctor (very clearly, I might add!)  as the doctor was talking to him and the doctor pointed it out as an example of something that wasn't normal.

Interactive games: J just doesn't seem to comprehend complex rules or taking turns. I have sincerely tried, when we have been out with other children, but really if the other child and parent will not insist on waiting, taking turns, J will run all over them. Toss the ball back and forth? No. Take the ball and play keep away....
At home with his baby brother he has started playing a game where they take turns chasing each other back and forth (I recently posted a video of this) and it wasn't something I taught them, they just do it... So is it something he just needs more experience with?

May treat others as if they are objects: Shows a lack of empathy: Shows aggression to others or self
Again this seems inconsistent, J can seem aggressive, he has been known to swing his arms around and end up knocking other children and show no sorrow when they cry. He lacks the concept of personal space or belongings. He will get very close, but he will make and maintain eye contact. It doesn't matter to him if you are uncomfortable with him climbing in your lap or going through your purse...
In some cases he is super possessive of his toys, yanking them from baby brother and hurting Sweet  P in the act. Years ago J would throw his head when we told him no, as a way of throwing a tantrum but our therapist said to put him in time out in his bed so he couldn't hurt himself too badly, and otherwise ignore it (because giving it attention was a reward). A little after that, the behavior stopped.
With his baby brother he has gotten better, asking "You okay?" or coming to me when he can hear Sweet P crying in his crib and be all concerned that I should go take care of Sweet P. So again, is it just a matter of time and more experience?

Rubs surfaces, mouths or licks objects
This one drives me crazy sometimes... J will put things in his mouth. Toys, magnets, blankets, it seems like everything he has ever held has been in his mouth. There is a stage where this is normal in child development and I have to admit: I remember being 8 years old and chewing on my pens or the neck of my t-shirts, etc... So, when does it go from a bad habit to a sign of autism? Maybe I have autism...

Gets stuck on a single topic: short attention span: narrow interests: overactive:
This is where issues I think are prevalent. J was go on unendingly about the train, Christmas, if you want him to talk about something specific he might say a few words and go right back to whatever is most fascinating to him.
He can do things for really long periods of time, watching a movie, playing with Duplo's, but if there are a lot of distractions/people around it is very hard for him to stick to a task. J has narrow interests but I'm not sure how much, again, that has to do with a lack of variety and experience he has had being only 4 yrs. old.


Hopefully we find out more tomorrow.

Crafty

Do you do this?

...It is about this point, halfway through the pregnancy that I start to feel the count down and I start "nesting".... Running around to have everything I need/want in order before new baby arrives...

Today I began going through some of my craft boxes to actually use the materials for the purposes I purchased or other wise received them... I don't know if any of you do this either, but I am often around when other people are sorting and will gladly accept charity if there are ways I can think to use what they are getting rid of...

So, this is what I accomplished in between caring for and picking up after the kids and generally being pregnant:

I had purchased the small black magnets because we are always putting things on the fridge or the front door but by themselves the magnets are small and easily swallowed, or possible a choking hazard, depending on the age of the child. Around my house there are a few things I love to decorate with:
Orange, purple, horses and butterflies.

So I took out my hot-glue-gun and shot the magnets and attached these molded, dried, and painted play-dough butterflies and other horse shaped beads.

I didn't have enough butterflies and horses to use all the magnets today so I have about 13 more magnet creations to come up with...



It may seem sort of silly, I don't think of myself as an especially knowledgable person when it comes to technology, but I had fun guiding a friend in need through the process of using Google Docs to upload and edit a resume. One of the great things about Google Docs is that it's free. Also, it allows options to save in formats that some other programs don't offer. It is pretty basic in some ways, but I find it to be user friendly after a little exploration. If you are one of those people that likes free and likes something for a little more complex formatting I suggest OpenOffice. Also great.

New Years Day

Today was a good day.
I think we have started a new tradition. We invited as many people as we could to our house for games and snacks. We stocked up on a bunch of clearance christmas candy, chocolate chip cookies, some chips and salsa, root beer, grape juice and apple juice.

At the beginning it was a little slow, apparently people stayed up late the night before... (I wonder why?!) We had one person here, our sweet neighbor, Heather, at 1pm, with a bottle of Martinelle's, and while we could have started a game we were having a good time just talking, then around 2:30 the crowd showed up.

Ron and Analane from our ward showed up with a meat, cheese, and crackers tray, which was very sweet, since I hadn't asked any one to bring food! My Aunt Sue and Uncle John with cards for playing "Hand and Foot," and Nate's family, including his mom, and 4 of his siblings, who also brought a few games which we also didn't get to.

We managed to fit 9 people around the table for a good game of the Disney version "Apples-to-Apples" to warm things up (I won). After that we played a few rounds of Phase 10. It takes a while to get to the end of that game and unfortunately people needed to leave before a victor could be sorted out (I was losing anyway so I'm not very heartbroken).

The younger kids played a game of "Life" for a while and then Nate turned on the Nintendo 64: Smash Bros. game. The room became quite uproarious as the kids discovered the delight of kicking booty and hollering about injustice and vengeance.

It was a great beginning to the new year and I was too busy enjoying the company and the food to take pictures of all the people... But here is my fine work of art in the arch way between the dining and living areas: It took me an hour and 1/2 to inflate the balloons and tie/tape it up.



Oh yeah, my new years resolution: Love every minute.

New Years Eve

Watching "The Emperor's New Groove"  w/J


Balloons & 
Marshmellows in their ty-dye shirts


I love glow sticks! They last so much longer than fireworks or sparklers and less dangerous! They can entertain J long after the glow has worn off too because he likes to make chains out of them and find as many things around the house as possible to wrap them around. These next pictures were tricky to get, the flash on the camera would be so bright you couldn't see the glow from the glow sticks, but when I turned the flash off the pictures get blurred, nice color though!






The Mango doing the tango

Thanks to thebump.com we now know the baby on the way is approximately this big:

Week 19: Mango
Average size: 6.0 inches, 8.5 oz.
Vermix caseosa is coating baby's skin...

I can feel some of the baby's movements now, though it's still difficult to differentiate from other body functions sometimes.

And we are so excited for next week when the baby will be approximately this big:

Week 20: Banana
Average size: 6.5 inches, 10.6 oz.
Boy or girl, genitals are fully formed...

We will get an ultrasound on the 8th of January and find out the gender for sure, though Nate and I think we know what it is.

We are making plans for a baby diaper shower where we will do a gender/name reveal.

Sweet P and Daddy

I hope it won't sound too much like we are picking favorites...

When we had J it was during a time that was pretty stressful for Nate. He was working long hours, driving a long commute and had not started taking medication. We had not yet identified the signs of depression, the sleepless nights, racing thoughts and quick to feel attacked in a serious conversation.
J was our first child and I sincerely wish that it had been more cause for celebration for Nate. Often times having a baby in the house led to more irritation.




Things have changed so much in the past 3 years, different work, medication, and a different life style.


This time with Sweet P has been different. Nate gets to enjoy all the cooing and cuteness that I enjoyed with J and it is so endearing for me to watch. I'm sad that J didn't have the same daddy from the beginning.


Recently it was so fun to see Nate and J to go sledding together. Like a genius, I didn't take any pictures. I fully expected Nate to get wet and tired and want to go home after just a few runs down the hill. Instead he was like a big kid that begged to stay longer and put off other errands for another day and J was happy to be with his daddy. It was a bonding time for them that I will treasure and look forward to many more.

Winter Wonders



The lights from Freedom Blvd shining on the snow and icicles

A close up of the icicles outside our kitchen window

The icicles, heavy snow laden branches, and a street light through our kitchen window
The moon shining on the icicles

One fantastic sunset that literally looks like a painting but it's REAL!

The tree and the train as seen from our balcony
The cute little house across the tracks from us
The trees outside our kitchen window

Christmas

J's photo with Santa
Taken at the Security Home Mortgage Company Christmas party!
The jolly fat guy was actually played by none other than our very own loan officer!
"Hello J, what do you want for Christmas?"
J says nothing but reaches for the candy cane he's been waiting for...
J with Buddy the Elf
Our home finance company is seriously amazing! They had a Christmas party today, with free pictures with Santa AND Buddy the elf (from the movie)! They had mint brownies, white chocolate chip cookies, red velvet cupcakes, crayons with coloring pages, and a basketball toss for the kids. And they actually started early enough that Nate was awake and we could go!
What Christmas morning should look like :) Our christmas was actually not quite like this. In recovery from all the excitement of chrismas eve the kids weren't actually in the new PJs, neither of us wore our robes and the day was spent just eating the goodies from our stocking and playing the nintendo games that Nate and I gifted ourselves.
Thanks to this gift from Grams and Gramps Blake our stocking goodies were very tasty! We had 2 flavors of non-msg beef jerky, 7 different flavors of all-natural fruit leathers, some sugary delicious dried mango, some freeze dried bananas, some raisens, some wheat free/rice free chocolate chip cookies, and some hot cocoa. 
And after the kids were in bed for the night, Nate and I made ourselves feel posh,
 in our robes and goblets full of Martinelle's Sparkling Apple-Grape. Yum.
Sweet P asleep in the car seat. So precious!
J is silly about the Christmas hats, wants to wear them ALL the time.