Ticketed

We'd been living in our new home for about 6 months and were driving to spend a day at the beach. We were in conversation and right after I missed the sign that told the lower speed limit I spotted the cop. I slowed but I didn't make an effort to stop yet in hopes he would miss me but he didn't. I told the officer of my reasoning and where we were headed. I had my Florida license but the car registration was from Utah. I knew that we had gone over the time that it should have been registered but had hoped (oops) that it would expire before I got pulled over and had to renew it. I didn't explain this to the officer though so after he went to his car and confirmed my ID he came back and said he was going to let me off easy but not in the way I expected. He was going to give me a speeding ticket but only for going 10 miles over instead of 20 and he wouldn't ticket me for the registration but warned me that I should do it right away. he also made it easier by informing me that if I went to traffic school the points wouldn't show up on my license.

I was grateful that he had been so straight forward and understanding. Somehow we found the whole interchange kind of funny and took it lightheartedly. Nate decided it deserved a photo.

Spanish blood

Well here are some of my "decorating" follies... My mother saw these colors and said I must have some spanish blood in me... These pictures ALMOST make them look not so bad.

Interior Design

I was so excited to decorate our new home with some personal touches though some of those touches didn't quite work out how I had hoped and most of the original touches have since been changed to a more moderate, clean look. But I was proud of my car and castle paintings in the kid's room, it was my first try at wall murals!

As sisters in zion

Well, it was a family reunion so I should have a picture of the whole family but instead I just have a photo of the imediate sisters... It was sort of funny because my three sisters were lined up and I was running over to get in the picture, and seizing the moment, I jumped in front and slid to my knees show style. I was just being silly and the others laughed but when I tried to get back up to stand in the picture they all said no and held me in place so here it is... TaDa!

See the family resemblence?

Silliness

The day of our sealing, after the reception party, we headed straight from Orem, Utah to Mountain Home, Idaho to spend time with my family who had so generously paid for our place tickets for the trip. We were eating dinner and I was looking at the top teir of our wedding cake. I was pondering what to do... We couldn't leave it in my sister's freezer for a year and there was no way I was going to haul it all the way to Florida... I turned to my family and said that I thought we should eat it... and my mother responded, "Of course we should, it's been a year!" and I laughed because I realized she was right, Nate and I had been married a year! So we celebrated again and took pictures to remember the moment.

For the Birds

I'm not really an avid bird watcher but when we moved into our house the previous owners had left behind some bird feeders so I decided to put them to good use. Originally I put them in the backyard on an iron shepherd's hook. That didn't work out so great for the birds because, we discovered, there were some squirrels that decided the food should be theirs. So we still enjoy watching the squirrels chase each other to and fro over the trees and fencing in the back yard. Outside our window in our front yard we enjoy watching this bird and it's mate come at meal times. I haven't been able to get a snap shot of it's mate but it is a sort of golden color of whatever breed this is.

The honeymoon was over.

We arrived at my parent's house. Sure enough, my mom had printed out a sign on my bedroom door that read "Welcome home Mr. and Mrs. Cassani"

Nate relaxes on the bed

As it turned out the very weekend Nate ans I were honeymooning, my parents had gotten a contract of sale on their town-home. The new buyers would not be taking possession for a month and my parents were packing off to California. We would be allowed to stay in the house while we found an apartment.
That first month before we found the apartment was one of the happiest and hardest. Nate and I were so happy to be together...
Most of the time....

 I get the vacuum

I had started wearing a birth control patch after the engagement back in November, so that when we finally did get married, I would not need to worry too much... 

I had been warned that the horomones might effect my mood...

I had become a monster. Seriously, I knew I was overreacting to everything but the knowledge didn't stop me from feeling out of control. 

Nate and I were both commuting north for work with the temp agency so all we had time for was traveling, apartment hunting, cooking, eating, sleeping... Finally one day I couldn't take it anymore. We had missed the bus to work. I decided we should call in sick and we needed a day just to find an apartment. The one month was quickly running out.

That day we found it. It was smaller than anything we looked at but it had laundry in the unit, it was close to the bus and the utilities were included in the rent. 

The Landlord said we could move in that day if we wanted.

Home Sweet Apartment

Pretent entry table/kitchen storage

Tiny Bedroom/livingroom

Tiny Dining

Tiny Kitchen

Improvised Shelving

Pretend Living room

Soon after I quit using the birth control patch a sense of normalcy settled in. Nate and I enjoyed our next 6 months of marriage in a basement apartment. Since either of us owned a car we rode our bikes all-around on city of Orem. It was exciting and sometimes tiring. Shopping with the most interesting experience. We liked to shop at Costco because you buy things in bulk. It was interesting trying to carry everything home on our bikes. Occasionally we would outdo ourselves and have to call neighbor or friend for a ride.

The bed all-a-mess and our dog (the stuffed animal)

Me watching a movie

We worked for express personnel in places like Meadow Gold, Peczuh Printing, Young Living. It was interesting because we worked with several people who thought that they could never work together with their spouse, it would drive them crazy, but Nate and I loved it. It gave us time to talk together and to know what was going on in each others day the time. Nate and I still laugh as we look back on some of the interesting people we worked with...
The comedian named José, who found out he really was a nerd as he talked with Nate about Power Rangers and Dungeons and Dragons.

The crazy woman who thought that Nate had thrown a box at her, and when she tried to throw a box back at him he happened to be bent over and didn't realize how upset she was with him.

The manager on my shift at Meadow Gold, who was wearing rubber boots but I still fooled him into thinking that his shoe was untied...

One of the advantages of being a temporary worker was meeting all of those interesting people and working in competitive environments where time is everything. I loved creating more fun by competing with coworkers to see who could load it fastest...

By this time in my life I still had not come to enjoy the Utah way of life. So many members of the wards seemed too busy with their own lives to really get close. With tensions between Nate's parents still high, we decided that it was time to move. I was mostly excited for Nate, I wanted him to have the experience of the family ward where the members were close and where he could have opportunities for callings that often don't exist in Utah.

I thought of all the places I never been to... One of places that I really loved to visit was Oregon. It was always so beautiful, the trees were green and the mountains were just gorgeous. We did our research, Nate and I even made a trip all the way out there and we located a great condo but as we returned to Utah and prayed, we felt it wasn't quite the right decision. My family living nearby in Oregon was currently in disarray they were going through divorce and I think that the Lord, at that time, didn't want us to get wrapped up in those things.

At this time my parents called. My mother knew that we had been searching for a home and that we were looking for any place outside of Utah. Their house that I thought they had sold in Florida, the buyers had defaulted on their payments and were looking at being evicted. My parents didn't think the buys would come up with the money and asked if Nate and I wanted to take over the place. It sounded like a great opportunity. I knew and loved the area and still had family there.

Not even having seen the place for many years, Nate and I prayed about it and felt that it was a good decision. We bought a car, packed up our things, and off we went.

Are we getting married?

I had told my roommates I would be getting married and moved out of the orem apartment by then end of January. I moved my things back to my parents house since Nate and I did not have an apartment arranged. We didn't have a wedding date set and getting a decision seemed forever away.

My parents were making plans to sell their house and move to California. I began to think that if Nate and I were not married I didn't want to be left in Utah without my family. I thought about going to California but felt sick about leaving Nate.

I prayed about what to do.

On Monday the 16th of January I drove to Nate's parent's house where he was staying. I took the Jade life savor necklace and the white gold engagement band. I knocked on the door and invited Nate to come outside. I explained that he was not going to be married to his mother for time and all eternity. And IF he was going to be my MAN, he needed to decide fast, because I wasn't willing to share anymore. I handed him the rings and said. "When you are ready to be my MAN, bring these back to me. I'll be waiting."

I got in my car to drive away. Nate waved me to stop. I rolled down my window.
"You'll be waiting?" He double checked.
"Yes." I said.

As I back out of the driveway I could see him standing there in the corner of my eye. I couldn't look directly at him. It took so much for me to drive away and leave him like that. I pulled around the block and parked the car. I cried my heart out, praying that I had done the right thing. When I could finally see again I drove home, but I still cried the whole way.

For the next few days I was determined. I would NOT call him. If I was missing him and needed a shoulder to wipe my tears on I'd call my mom. And if he called, I promised myself I would not get emotional, I would act fine and I would not take anything less that a full commitment from him.

Finally on Friday morning he called.
I had just gotten finished with my shower and sitting in my towel I starred at the phone... It was him... Deep breath...
"Hello" I said as cheerily as I could... Too cheerily.
He was thrown off... "Uh, hi. How are you?"
"I'm okay..." That was honest enough. I wasn't great, but I was going to live... "What's up?"
"Well, I'm calling to ask if you want to go to the courthouse today, or if you want to wait till monday, I'm not sure if they are open tomorrow... "
My heart was pounding right out of my chest "Are you serious? You really mean it?"
"Yes"
"Well, can you find out if they will be open tomorrow?" I was trying to think of having a little time to have people I wanted to be there....
"Hold on.........No, they are not open tomorrow."
"Well I'm not waiting till Monday for you to change your mind so I'll come today."
"Okay, so where should we meet?"
"At the courthouse." Thinking that would save time since it was about half way between the two of us.
"What time?"
"In an hour." I would need to get dressed, get my parents and drive half an hour.
"Is it okay if I bring my mom?" I didn't have the heart to make her miss the wedding of her first son to get married...
"Yes, she can come."
"Okay, see you soon."

OH MY GOSH, was this REALLY happening?
I yanked open the bathroom door and starting yelling for my dad. "Dad, I need you to put on a shirt and tie and be my witness at the courthouse!"
"WHAT?" Mutter, Mutter. "I'm on the phone, hang on a minute" He hollered from downstairs.
I went to my bedroom... I was getting married! I had not finished my dress.  I had planned on a two piece gown but I hadn't even started the skirt. The blouse was peiced together but I hadn't sewn any of the hems. I grabbed some safety pins, put on the blouse and put on a lovely purple prom skirt.
I grabbed the bouquet I had made and then an outfit for my mom to wear in the pictures. She would not want to be in her work cloths.
My dad came running up stairs "What's going on?"
"Nate and I are getting married at the courthouse today. I need you to put on a shirt and tie and be my witness."
My daddy smiled at me and said "We're going to pick up your mother, right? She'd kill me if I didn't make sure she was there."
"Yes, I planned to pick her up on the way, I have these clothes for her"
"Oh, good."

We got in the car a headed to walmart to get my mom. My dad called her phone so she could let her manager know there was a family emergency and she needed to leave work early. Mom got in the car and I gave her the outfit I had pulled from the closet. She asked if there were socks and shoes... I hadn't thought of that. We had to stop at another walmart along the way to pick those up...

I called Nate to let him know we were running behind. Nate said "That's okay," his dad was driving down from his job in salt lake and would take a while too. His mom wanted to know if we wanted to have the bishop marry us in the relief society room of their ward meeting house after we got the license from the courthouse.
"That sounds great."

As my dad pulled out of the second walmart he had some how thought that we were going to a different courthouse than the one I had in mind. I told him where he needed to turn, the lane beside us was empty but the car in front of us did not move when the light turned green... He honked, they moved, and in all the excitement, dad gunned it to enter the other lane just as a car pulled up beside us... I saw it all as if in slow motion and started shaking my head... I had the camera, got out of the car in my fancy dress and started taking picture of the accident.
The other driver saw our attire and got out of his car. "I can tell you must be in a hurry. I'll just need your name and phone number. It's a rental and I paid the insurance, so you really don't need to worry about anything.
All that had been damaged on our car was the headlight cover so off we went...

We finally got to the courthouse and processed our application and received the license.

After that we went to Nate's house to wait for the Bishop and Nate's dad. While we were waiting Nate's mom insisted that he at lease take a shower. Nate consented and left me and my parents waiting...

Finally we all went to the chapel. The cameras were brought out but I felt really tense. I was scared that after all this, as we went before the bishop there was still a chance for Nate to change his mind... I wasn't going to smile or be happy until it was a done deal!

The Bishop made sure this was what we both wanted and we proceeded.

Instead of saying "I do" We both said "Yes."

We signed the license and became man and wife.

Pictures were taken, we all planned to go out to lunch but first Nate and I needed to talk. Everyone left us at the church to wait at the restaurant.











Nate and I sat in the foyer and caught up on the last three days of separation. Nate explained how as the time went by and he felt what his life would be like without me, he realized that wasn't the kind of life he wanted. I explained how it hurt to leave him but my life seemed to be giving me one of two options: Stay or leave.

We held each other close and just breathed, knowing that as we joined the family again there would barely be room for any breathing. We went to lunch at the China Lily to celebrate.



Pictures, smiles and fortune cookies taken care of we were surprised yet again as Nate's parent gifted us a honeymoon stay at the Inn On the Hill in Salt Lake and lent us their car for the weekend. I notified my temporary employment that I would not be coming to work that day and off we went.
















The honeymoon was perfect. We stayed in the Zion Room. Nate and I were so sore, felt like we had been bruised from head to toe. It may not be like this for every newly wed couple but it seemed like all the stress leading up to this event had sapped us of everything we had. Three days in the hotel was exactly what we needed. Just a few blocks from Temple Square we spent most of Saturday and Sunday enjoying the history and events.

The view from our room

Cushy robes

Getting ready to go out.

We've finally arrived.

Enjoying temple square

When the three days were over we got in the car and started driving south. We were about 30 minutes out of Salt Lake when I asked Nate where we were going... We'd never arranged an apartment...

Laughing about not knowing where we were going 

There's only a little bit of "I told you so" in this look...

There was NO WAY we were staying with his parents... I called up my dad and asked if my room was still available. He said my mom would probably be upset if we didn't come there, because she had taken the time to make up the room just for us.

Apartment hunting...

With the engagement officially announced and Nate's apartment contract running out I thought for sure that it was now time to find an apartment for Nate that I could move into after the wedding.

We had discussed a budget that would work for the both of us and I found some fantastic listings and invited Nate to see them with me. We fell in love with a few, a few got taken up before we could make a move but when it came right down to making a decision, Nate's parents had to give their advice...

Now, I don't condemn them for being concerned for the well being of their son. BUT... He was 21 now. I was 20. In the year and half that we had been dating they had seen us cuddling on the couch plenty and I think they thought that maybe something had happened between me and Nate that was the reason for getting married and Nate not going on a mission. But they never asked. Fact is, we hadn't even kissed before the engagement! We were hardly ever really alone, we both had roommates with no tolerance for overnighters, we both had nosey family members at home, and we usually went on dates in very public places, we had talked about a boundary and stuck to it! The likely-hood of ANYTHING happening was very, VERY small...
But they voiced to Nate their concern... If he had the new apartment and I was going to be spending time there, something might happen...

For any future newly weds out there I want to explain a few things...
1. Once you are married you are going to need your own place. YOU DO NOT want to come back from your honey moon and still be in your parents house, especially if they aren't happy about the marriage from the start...
2. If anything WAS going to happen before marriage, you would NOT need an apartment... All you need is a car or a hotel room.
3. You are adults, your parents are no longer your decision makers. Decide between yourselves and God and ask your parents to mind their own business if they don't like it.

Because of the concerns of his parents Nate would not decide on an apartment. His contract at the men's apartment ran up and with no place else arranged, he moved back into his parents house. I was very upset. Nate's parents were no good at supporting him emotionally in his desire to be a writer, or in have a home free of temptations, and I knew this would effect his ability to cope with addictions.

Sure enough, things went downhill. I came over to find out all the things Nate's parents would say to discourage him from getting married, for example, that we must have prayed in places where the right spirit could not direct us in our decisions.. Nate was struggling with addictions again and he looked like death. His countenance was so pale I was scared he was having thoughts of suicide. But I also didn't want to give him any ideas, so I didn't say anything...

This had to change. FAST.

I went home to my mother to talk things out and see if she had an idea I could use...
I was worried that if I suggested a civil marriage that my mom would freak out so I was surprised when she brought it up first.

A civil marriage was NOT my first choice. However, under the circumstances, it made sense. Once we were married there would be no reason to hesitate on getting an apartment, getting Nate out of his parents house. After a year of civil marriage we could still go to the temple to be sealed.

I found an ensign article that I felt supported my argument, called Nate and asked him to meet me at the church institute building. I figured if we prayed there, the wrong spirit could not influence our decision.

We talked and we prayed and we decided. A civil marriage was the best decision we could make at that time.
We went to Nate's mom and she argued against it. There was no helping her see.
I went home feeling frustrated. She would not respect Nate's personal revelation as an adult who could make his own choices and Nate didn't want to disrespect her as his mother.

My First Nativity

One of my favorite things about Christmas is the reminders of the whole holy reason for the season!
When I was first getting ready to move out space was an issue.
A christmas tree was not really an option. So I picked out this tiny little ceramic nativity set.

Announcement

On November 16th Nate and I met his family at the China Buffet Restaurant in Orem Utah with much anticipation...  I had already told my parents since inviting them to the dinner would be too much of a give away...

We wanted everyone to be at the table so we waited until everyone had gotten food and sat down. We were part way through the meal and the noise had died down, when I tapped Nate's knee and suggested it was time to make the announcement. His mother was suddenly all ears. "Announcement?" she asked.

Nate asked for everyone's attention and said "Lynn and I are engaged. We're going to get married."
The table erupted with happiness.
Everyone tried to talk at once. Adri asked if we had date set. We said we wanted to plan with everyone to figure out a time that would work. Adri asked if there was a ring since she didn't see one on my finger. I explained that I didn't need one. She offered to let me try on a ring that had been in the family. I thought it would be impolite to just turn her down, but I was REALLY surprised by her offer. We had expected their reaction to be so reserved since it meant Nate would NOT be going on a mission, but they never brought it up that evening. The girls wanted to know if they would get dresses for the wedding, what the colors would be, the boys didn't want to have to do anything but eat cake.

So, after dinner was over, we went to their house and I tried on the ring. I liked it because it was simple, no stones, just a white gold (I actually don't like yellow gold, so this was even better) band with light engravings that almost looked like feathers all the way around. It fit perfect. Adri was surprised and told me that it had been tried on a girl that Ben had proposed to but it had been too small.
"It must be meant to happen." She said.

Engagement.

On a Sunday morning I made my usual morning call to Nate to see how he was doing. He said he wasn't feeling great and needed to go for a walk to have time to think. I was a little worried and asked him to call me as soon as he got back.
Later on he called me. He explained that he was supposed to meet with his stake president that day about his mission papers. He was nervous and was trying to get calmed down. While out on his walk he came across of friend of his that he hadn't seen for some time. His friend was serving a service mission and told him about what it was like. When the friend asked Nate what was going on in his life Nate said he didn't really know what to tell him.  I knew he had been working on his writing, had dropped out of his school classes because he found he wasn't enjoying them at all, and we had been dating. I hadn't even realized Nate had begun working on his mission papers.
"Are you afraid of something?" I asked.
"I'm afraid I might not go on a mission." Nate explained.
"Do you know what you might do instead?" I asked. I knew that Nate had had some struggles that made it difficult to achieve the high standards set for missionaries. My understanding was that "Every WORTHY and ABLE young man should serve a mission. But if they didn't go, they were not condemned. I was a little frustrated about his concern if he didn't go. I didn't have great respect for his parents who seemed to act like if Nate didn't live up to their expectations, they would not love him.
"Well, you and I have talked about getting married." He said.
"We have. Did you tell your friend about that?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Well... I guess it makes me feel like less of a man."
It was absurd how much this upset me, but in my mind I wanted to shout at him.
YOU ARE NOT LESS OF A MAN FOR MARRYING ME!
I hung up on him instead. I didn't want to be angry with him, some part of me understood some of what he must be going through, but I didn't feel like I could talk to him.

I turned off my phone and went to church... I kept think about the conversation and feeling worked up. I wanted to encourage him but I wasn't sure how to. Should I tell him what to do, based on what? I knew my feelings for him, I knew he wanted to go on a mission, but might not be able.
I couldn't tolerate leaving my phone off any longer incase he was trying to reach me. I turned it on and sure enough he had texted me.
He was upset that I had hung up on him and asked that I please not do that again.
I apologized and then explained everything I had been feeling.
He said he understood and we'd talk more later.
About an hour later he texted again, inviting me to meet him at the park as soon as I could, that he was now there and would wait for me.
I had ridden to church with my roommate because the weather had been cold and wet. I explained to her what was going on and she willingly drove me to get some warmer clothes and drop me off at the park.

When I arrived Nate was waiting, like a prince in his castle, at the top of the jungle gym. He slid down to meet me and as he walked my way he asked that I please be willing to listen to everything he needed to say before I say anything. I smiled and said ok.

He walked me over to the swing set where he had parked his bike. He reached into his back pack and pulled out some papers. We sat in the swings and he asked me to read the pages out loud to him. I was a little confused at first but then say his words on the page. It was poetry he had written for me. There were three pages! As I read through it I thought to myself that this was a pretty nice way to make up for upsetting me that morning... Then I got to the last page. The last line poem was called "Will you marry me?"

I thought, "Oh, here we go again, asking the question without being on one knee."
The last line of the poem was the question again and after I read the last line aloud I looked up and realized he was in front of me on one knee.

"Will you?" My heart started pounding. THIS WAS IT! The actual proposal I had been waiting for!
He looked at me hopefully and I finally put into words the answer I had been practicing. It was cheesy... "No," I watched as he head fell in disappointment, I could tell he was thinking that he must have really fouled things up for me to be saying no, but I wasn't finished... "I won't just marry you but I will take you to the temple to be sealed to you for time and eternity, as your wife and best friend, to be the mother of you children." There had been more but in the moment I was too overcome with emotion to remember it all...
As I had continued my answer his head had gradually come back up and he looked at me questioningly, "That's a yes, isn't it?" He asked.
I smiled, "Yes."

We hugged for a long moment, filled with relief. I kept waiting for him to move in for a kiss, this was after all the time we had agreed on being acceptable to kiss. I had kissed a few guys before but I knew he had never kissed a girl. There had been so many times I had wanted to kiss him and now I could...
He grabbed my hand and asked if we could get out of the cold. He was shivering and his hands were numb. We started walking back toward my apartment and we talked as we walked. Nate explained that he had gone in for the interview with the Stake President and explained what he was feeling. The Stake President had been supportive of whatever Nate had felt was right. Nate felt like he wasn't ready for a mission.

I asked him about telling his family and suggested we announce the engagement at the family dinner they would have for his birthday at the chinese buffet, that way at least if they wanted to freak out, they would have to wait till they weren't in public.

Finally I couldn't stand it anymore... I turned and said "Can I kiss you now?"
He paused, surprised, "OH! I guess we can do that now! Um... Sure..."
He bent toward me and I stood on the balls of my feet.
And we kissed, there on the side walk across from the park, for the first time after dating for a full year and half.
I asked him how it felt, his FIRST kiss... "Wet." he said, with a huge grin that said he kinda liked it anyway.

Surprise!

By the end of June I had completed my time with Dustin and Lisa. My last month with them was the most stressful. While the insurance covered the damages to their house, it would be some time before the house was livable again. They ended up renting another house down the street in the mean time and the kids got head lice AGAIN... The new house didn't have laundry machines so I ended up carting the laundry back and forth between the two houses. We sprayed and shampooed and this time we were finally rid of the lice.

By August I had sold my car and flown back to Utah. My parents lived in Payson at this time. They had bought a town home with three bedrooms and Heather had come to live with them. I took up temporary residence until I could find an apartment. I got a bike and was determine to use the bus and get an apartment in Orem, so as to be close to Nate and have plenty of opportunity to spend time with him. I began working for Express personnel, a temp service that was very useful. At the time there were a lot of businesses employing the temps and I rarely had difficulty making the money I needed for the month.

After some searching I found a shared room for rent in an apartment in Provo toward the end of August. My roommate's name was... Well, she introduced herself and everyone called her Scooby. I wondered what kind of parent would actually name their daughter Scooby. When I asked her about it she explained that her legal first name was actually Shannon but her dad had nicknamed her Scooby and it had stuck... Scooby was busy with school and work and dating and I rarely saw her.
Our apartment-mate's name was Jenn. Jenn was a real character. She was really into role playing a creating little works of art for her game all the time. She had a fantastic sense of humor and could keep me entertained for hours.

Jenn and Scooby both worked full time at a telephone survey company and for a short time I actually started working at the same place through the temp service... It was okay most of the time, until we had been working on one survey so long that if someone said hello to me while I was sleeping I would give them the entire survey from memory.

Nate and I continued dating while Nate attended some classes at UVSC (Later to be known as UVU).
For my birthday Nate said he had a special surprise. He asked my what day I wanted it and he listed a few options. I thought this was interesting and could hardly wait... I chose the day that was the soonest of the three. The night of the surprise I was all flustered. I wondered if this might be the night he would propose. I wanted to look right and couldn't seem to decide on the right thing from my closet. My roommates came home while I was still getting ready and I asked what they would wear if they thought it might be that special night... They both looked at what I was wearing and said in unison "Not that."

After finally decided on an appropriate outfit, Nate showed up at the door with flowers and pumkin pie. The flowers were bright yellow/orange ball mum bums. They were artificial because Nate had remembered I told him real flowers didn't last long enough. The pie was his favorite and Nate had remembered I wasn't a huge fan of chocolates, so he said "Why not get something we could enjoy together?"

We had a car for the evening and Nate asked me to drive while he gave me instructions so I wouldn't know where we were going until we got there. Somewhere we took a wrong turn and it took a great deal of patience not to get upset that he wouldn't at least let me look at the map. Finally he told me to pull into a parking spot and said "SURPRISE!"

I was confused. Immediately in front of the car was an empty sidewalk and the wall of a building with no visible door for some distance. I looked back at Nate questioningly. He pointing back at the wall and said "Read the sign." I looked again and realized that across the whole wall were giant letters spelling "SOUTH PACIFIC."

"OH!" I said. "oh." I thought. A few weeks earlier I had watched the movie South Pacific with Nate and he had asked if I had ever seen it in a live theater. I told him I hadn't but that would be fun sometime. So tonight was that sometime. Nate had bought tickets to see a live performance and I was horribly unexcited because I had hoped there would be a proposal. Nate seemed to notice my disappointment and asked what was wrong. I was embarrassed but I told him anyway. He was surprised and felt very sorry that the evening hadn't lived up to my expectation.

We went into the Center Street Musical Theater and enjoyed the show anyway. The actors had really great energy but it wasn't so well received as the rest of the audience as Nate and I. We clapped after every song and laughed aloud, while for some reason all the other guests sat quietly as if the performance was nothing to applaud.

I went home still happy that at least I had looked great and had a good time.

Inner Beauty

What my husband wrote about me...

Inner Beauty
by: Nathaniel A. Cassani

I have a special someone whose beauty I treasure most. Her beauty is not in
her hair, the cloths she wares, or any skill she may posses. It's something
invisible, hidden from the shamming eye or those who would not understand what
is there. But it?s real. Vibrant like a rose and scented with her gentle
kindness. It permeates from her core in songs of joy wherever she may go. But
even this does not fully articulate the beauty that I see.

When I'm with her life takes on a new meaning. One more fully ripened in
love and joy. Setting suns double in their richness before my eyes. Their colors and
tones making soft displays of what was one a hard brash world. A soft breeze
takes on a sense of meekness and tranquilly. All fear of a storm erased, and
excitement in the possibility of rain reveled in. Quiet days reading together
are more exciting then action thrillers in a movie theater; and more powerfully
played upon my mind then the greatest of love songs. Hours melt by in seconds
and the day never seems to be enough. Forever she keeps me yearning for more.
It is true ever rainbow seems brighter when I?m with her.

  Beauty becomes a way of being, for we see all things together anew. Simple I
Love You?s, smiles, and the warmth of a hand, are more satisfying. Darkness
fades from my eyes  and my thoughts like melting snow. I can just stand there
alone at times and reach........  and the warmth of her love envelops me.  In
every moment she strives for honest, for truth, and for integrity. When in pain
she weeps, and tells me. And when in joy she leaps into my arms smiling.

  Beauty takes on a new forum and a new definition when I?m with her. Love, is
beauty, and somehow just sitting together in a crowded room can become a
pristine moment. Our Love, the beauty that it is, just keeps rolling on.
Through every tear we cry, every word we share, or every scrapped knee or
stupid thing we do. Everything  around us radiates, permeates in peace. Time
steps aside, and we keep finding new things to say in every hour.

  Through all the beauty that I see in her, is radiated also in me. Shimmering
like stars we elevate one another to a new place to stay. We love who we are
when were around each other. We accept the world where it stands. All things
are better for it. This is the beauty that resides in her, in me, and in every
moment when we see each other in one another's eyes. Here is my sacred
sanctuary of beauty. A place I often come to stay, and one I hope I will never
leave....

Something Memorable

I had almost been with Dusting and Lisa's family for a full year. I was working a second job at this time because of the need repairs that had come up on my car through the beginning of the year. It was a McDonalds again, only it was not so great. The group of people you work with can make a huge difference in the work place.

It was about this time that Nate called me up and said he wanted to come visit me. I was SO excited! Dustin and Lisa were fine with his coming, Lisa was in fact so excited for me that she insisted he stay at the house with everyone, instead of a hotel.

The morning arrived that Nate was supposed to arrive. All month I had worked extra hard to get the house neat and clean. The kids had gotten head lice and we had all worked together to wash load after load of laundry, spray the house and wash and comb EVERYONE's hair. We thought we were RID of the lice. The night before Nate's arrival Dustin had had some workers start the job of replacing the roof. The men had torn off all the shingles and put a tarp over the house for the night. It rained all night but the tarp worked fine... Until... About 7 am a HUGE gust of wind came up and blew the tarp off the house. The rain came pooring in. When I heard the noise it felt like I had fallen asleep in the shower. I rushed about my room to pick things up off the floor and move other things where the wouldn't get ruined by the water. I heard the kids crying and came out of my room to discover that Dusting and Lisa had become too stressed by what was happening and locked themselves in their room. I tried to pull the kids away from the door but they were too upset.

So I sat and waited and wondered what to do. The water was pouring through the ceiling everywhere. It was like every room had a waterfall. Finally Dustin came out of the bedroom and went to the deck. He lit a smoke and sat there, saying nothing, watching the rain. I sat with him and tried to think of something to say...

"You know how when people ask me 'what's up?' and I always say 'The ceiling'? I can't say that today..."

Dustin turned and just stared at me. He knew I was trying, but it really wasn't funny...

He pulled out his wallet, handed me a wad of cash, and asked me to take the kids out of the house until he said I could bring them home. And that was when I wondered what this whole day was going to be like... I took the kids to McDonalds for breakfast. They ate up but as soon as we got in the car they started vommitting. The stress was really getting to them. I headed to the airport to get Nate... With the house under water I realized he was going to need to stay in a hotel after all...

With the kids puking in the waiting area, I stared at the line of arriving passengers thinking Nate could not have decided on a better time to visit... I was going to need his support.

Nate came through the terminal looking splendid. He was wearing a blue tropical shirt meant for a sunny vacation and the day was anything but sunny... I laughed as I ran and hugged him... We went to the car and I explained what was going on as I drove away from the airport. I took him and the kids to a second breakfast, hoping the now hungry again kids might keep something down... They did.

After the restaurant we headed to the library hoping it would be warm and dry and we could use the computers to look up a good movie. The library was dry but it was cold and our clothes were wet from walking outside. We hurried to use the computers and found nothing, then Dustin called to say we would all be staying at the motel at the end of the road. We drove there and after getting the kids settled I changed into uniform for my shift at McDonalds.

That night at McDonalds was harder than ever, with all the stress that day I couldn't deal with my manager, a person no one really liked. I mean no one. when I had interviewed for the job I had expressed the possibility of training as a manager. The interviewer was the store owner and had confided in me that they really needed someone to replace this manager.

I had made it almost till closing time. We had two closing times, one for the lobby and one for the drive through. Almost everyone had been sent home after closing the lobby and the drive-thru was slow. It was me, the manager and the person working the food line... Suddenly we got slammed. The line in the drive-thru jumped to 20 cars long and we were scrambling to fill orders. The person working the food line was thick headed and would never really listen to what people were saying. At one point I had to yell for her to hear my instructions on an order and then my manager yelled at me for yelling.

That was it, I was done. I didn't have to put up with this. She shouldn't have sent all the good food line people home. I was not going to stay and tame the blame for how badly things were going. With cars in the drive thru and a half hour till closing I said I quit and handed her my apron. In a panic she begged me not to leave right then, to stay and we could work it out but I was too angry and felt like she deserved to deal with this. I left.

I had given Nate my car while I was at work so that if he wanted to do something, besides watch tv at the hotel, he could. When I came out and told him that I had quit, he was shocked. I guess to him it seemed so sudden but for me I felt like it had been coming for a while

The rest of his visit was still an adventure. The night, with the rain still pouring into the house, I had to pack up my room. I really didn't like having to spend my time with Nate that way but it was the circumstance and Nate was such a good sport. He kept me laughing when I wanted to cry about the state of things. In the midst of the laughter I realized I had prayed for Nate's visit to be memorable, and it was sure turning out to be that! I told Nate about this and it was a running joke the whole week that from now on I should pray for every thing to just go smoothly.

The next day the storm had mostly passed, the sky was only slightly grey but it was warm enough to go to the beach. We loaded up a picnic and found a secluded place on the shore. The water was great after all the rain and the sand was moist and cool. We sat and ate the picnic. By the time we reached the desert the chocolate covered graham crackers had begun to melt. We ate the gooey stuff anyway and got our fingers all messy. I didn't mind this and simply licked my fingers clean, not wanting to waste the yummy stuff. When Nate realized that we hadn't packed napkins he said "What should I do?" and held up his hands to show the mess. I grabbed his hand without pausing to think and stuck his fingers in my mouth. Suddenly I was embarrassed. That was very forward to assume I could lick his fingers for him and that he wouldn't be grossed out. I looked at him, blushing, and apologized. He laughed and said it was okay and offered his other fingers. Eventually we played in the water some more and the stickiness of dessert was washed away. We left and spend the evening at the book store. Nate and I had a very special conversation there, where he told me about the struggles that were keeping him from serving a mission. I didn't judge him at all, I had dealt with some of the same things in my youth and I tried to encourage him. I wanted to be a support to him any time he was tempted and asked that he would call me and I would try to distract him.

Friday came and with everyone packed into the two rooms of the hotel Nate and I decided to go stay at my sister Mitzi's house. At one point Nate and I got a little too cozy and we decided on some ground rules that while we were both cuddly people, while we were dating we would not kiss and we would not reach under each other's clothes.

We watched movies, played games, borrowed some bikes for a ride around the block. I showed Nate my old stomping grounds, all the places I had worked with horses and places I lived when I was littler. Nate said he enjoyed seeing it all for himself and seeing how I would light up.

One of the places we visiting was the ranch where Jack Sursey trained his races horses. When I introduced Nate to Jack, Jack interrogated him, "Are you treating her good?" Nate was surprised, "Yes, sir" Nate said. "You'd better" Jack said, "If there something I learned, it's that the woman's always right, and you need to just say 'Yes ma'am.' Can you do that?"
"Yes ma'am" Nate said to me and we all laughed.

Sunday we drove back to my ward where my calling was in the nursery. Nate and I had a good time playing with the kids.

By Monday Nate was supposed to fly back home to Utah. It wasn't so hard to say goodbye this time since I knew in a few months I would be done working in Florida and see Nate again. As we drove to the airport Nate surprised me and asked if I would marry him.
I was a little flustered... we had talked about marraige, that it was in our future but he was flying back to Utah today! Did he mean he wanted to set a date?
"You're leaving today! Are you asking me to go with you?"
"No, I just wanted to know, after everything this week, would you say still say yes?"
Nothing about his stay had weakened my desire to be with him, if anything it was stronger...
"My answer is yes, but I will give you my full answer when you get down on one knee."

Florida

By the beginning of the New Year I felt like I had settled in with Dustin and Lisa's family.

Little Dustin had elementary school during the week which made mornings my chance to clean house and afternoons were usually spent with him on homework. Some days I would take the kids to the park, some days we just had the whole neighborhood in the pool/backyard. It was fun, crazy and Dustin/Lisa and I didn't always agree on the rules that should be applied, but it usually worked out in the end. I learned a lot about my own expectations when it would come to raising my own children someday. Some how in taking care of day care for my aunt I had never needed to do much disciplinary action, the kids were often content to play with toys, watch movies or play in the back yard and stay out of things that were off limits. Dustin's kids needed a little more direction.

There wasn't a singles ward in the area but there were a group of singles that would try to get together regularly. I started participating in the activities and they were a really fun bunch. Of course my heart belonged to Nate and if the guys expressed any interest I tried to let them know so they wouldn't have high expectations... But Nate and I had said it should still be okay to date other people until we were married, so I hated to say no to a guy that got up the courage to ask...

Fortunately there were only a few dates, and it was easy enough to have a good time without feeling like I led them on or that they got too interested.

Nate and I would talk on the phone often and talk about the difficulties and the fun we were both having. After a while it became apparent to me that he might not being going on a mission, something was holding him back but I didn't know if I should ask about it. I wanted to keep encouraging him to go as long as he felt it was the right thing.

In my past I had had a few guy-friends leave on missions, only one of which I had seriously been interested in but who never seemed to reciprocate. Every time the same thing happened... At first they would right often and letters that were of a good length, but as time wore on and they became more busy with the work, the letters would stop. So when Nate had agreed to write letters I was skeptical about how long it would last. As it turned out, Nate was a fantastic letter writer... Well, he was at least good at keeping it going. The letters weren't perfect, sometimes difficult to read, but I loved them all the same. I began keeping a scrap book of his letters to me and would spend hours some evenings writing back to him. It was crazy how we could always find more to talk about. Love inspires the mind in amazing ways.