The honeymoon was over.

We arrived at my parent's house. Sure enough, my mom had printed out a sign on my bedroom door that read "Welcome home Mr. and Mrs. Cassani"

Nate relaxes on the bed

As it turned out the very weekend Nate ans I were honeymooning, my parents had gotten a contract of sale on their town-home. The new buyers would not be taking possession for a month and my parents were packing off to California. We would be allowed to stay in the house while we found an apartment.
That first month before we found the apartment was one of the happiest and hardest. Nate and I were so happy to be together...
Most of the time....

 I get the vacuum

I had started wearing a birth control patch after the engagement back in November, so that when we finally did get married, I would not need to worry too much... 

I had been warned that the horomones might effect my mood...

I had become a monster. Seriously, I knew I was overreacting to everything but the knowledge didn't stop me from feeling out of control. 

Nate and I were both commuting north for work with the temp agency so all we had time for was traveling, apartment hunting, cooking, eating, sleeping... Finally one day I couldn't take it anymore. We had missed the bus to work. I decided we should call in sick and we needed a day just to find an apartment. The one month was quickly running out.

That day we found it. It was smaller than anything we looked at but it had laundry in the unit, it was close to the bus and the utilities were included in the rent. 

The Landlord said we could move in that day if we wanted.

Home Sweet Apartment

Pretent entry table/kitchen storage

Tiny Bedroom/livingroom

Tiny Dining

Tiny Kitchen

Improvised Shelving

Pretend Living room

Soon after I quit using the birth control patch a sense of normalcy settled in. Nate and I enjoyed our next 6 months of marriage in a basement apartment. Since either of us owned a car we rode our bikes all-around on city of Orem. It was exciting and sometimes tiring. Shopping with the most interesting experience. We liked to shop at Costco because you buy things in bulk. It was interesting trying to carry everything home on our bikes. Occasionally we would outdo ourselves and have to call neighbor or friend for a ride.

The bed all-a-mess and our dog (the stuffed animal)

Me watching a movie

We worked for express personnel in places like Meadow Gold, Peczuh Printing, Young Living. It was interesting because we worked with several people who thought that they could never work together with their spouse, it would drive them crazy, but Nate and I loved it. It gave us time to talk together and to know what was going on in each others day the time. Nate and I still laugh as we look back on some of the interesting people we worked with...
The comedian named José, who found out he really was a nerd as he talked with Nate about Power Rangers and Dungeons and Dragons.

The crazy woman who thought that Nate had thrown a box at her, and when she tried to throw a box back at him he happened to be bent over and didn't realize how upset she was with him.

The manager on my shift at Meadow Gold, who was wearing rubber boots but I still fooled him into thinking that his shoe was untied...

One of the advantages of being a temporary worker was meeting all of those interesting people and working in competitive environments where time is everything. I loved creating more fun by competing with coworkers to see who could load it fastest...

By this time in my life I still had not come to enjoy the Utah way of life. So many members of the wards seemed too busy with their own lives to really get close. With tensions between Nate's parents still high, we decided that it was time to move. I was mostly excited for Nate, I wanted him to have the experience of the family ward where the members were close and where he could have opportunities for callings that often don't exist in Utah.

I thought of all the places I never been to... One of places that I really loved to visit was Oregon. It was always so beautiful, the trees were green and the mountains were just gorgeous. We did our research, Nate and I even made a trip all the way out there and we located a great condo but as we returned to Utah and prayed, we felt it wasn't quite the right decision. My family living nearby in Oregon was currently in disarray they were going through divorce and I think that the Lord, at that time, didn't want us to get wrapped up in those things.

At this time my parents called. My mother knew that we had been searching for a home and that we were looking for any place outside of Utah. Their house that I thought they had sold in Florida, the buyers had defaulted on their payments and were looking at being evicted. My parents didn't think the buys would come up with the money and asked if Nate and I wanted to take over the place. It sounded like a great opportunity. I knew and loved the area and still had family there.

Not even having seen the place for many years, Nate and I prayed about it and felt that it was a good decision. We bought a car, packed up our things, and off we went.

Are we getting married?

I had told my roommates I would be getting married and moved out of the orem apartment by then end of January. I moved my things back to my parents house since Nate and I did not have an apartment arranged. We didn't have a wedding date set and getting a decision seemed forever away.

My parents were making plans to sell their house and move to California. I began to think that if Nate and I were not married I didn't want to be left in Utah without my family. I thought about going to California but felt sick about leaving Nate.

I prayed about what to do.

On Monday the 16th of January I drove to Nate's parent's house where he was staying. I took the Jade life savor necklace and the white gold engagement band. I knocked on the door and invited Nate to come outside. I explained that he was not going to be married to his mother for time and all eternity. And IF he was going to be my MAN, he needed to decide fast, because I wasn't willing to share anymore. I handed him the rings and said. "When you are ready to be my MAN, bring these back to me. I'll be waiting."

I got in my car to drive away. Nate waved me to stop. I rolled down my window.
"You'll be waiting?" He double checked.
"Yes." I said.

As I back out of the driveway I could see him standing there in the corner of my eye. I couldn't look directly at him. It took so much for me to drive away and leave him like that. I pulled around the block and parked the car. I cried my heart out, praying that I had done the right thing. When I could finally see again I drove home, but I still cried the whole way.

For the next few days I was determined. I would NOT call him. If I was missing him and needed a shoulder to wipe my tears on I'd call my mom. And if he called, I promised myself I would not get emotional, I would act fine and I would not take anything less that a full commitment from him.

Finally on Friday morning he called.
I had just gotten finished with my shower and sitting in my towel I starred at the phone... It was him... Deep breath...
"Hello" I said as cheerily as I could... Too cheerily.
He was thrown off... "Uh, hi. How are you?"
"I'm okay..." That was honest enough. I wasn't great, but I was going to live... "What's up?"
"Well, I'm calling to ask if you want to go to the courthouse today, or if you want to wait till monday, I'm not sure if they are open tomorrow... "
My heart was pounding right out of my chest "Are you serious? You really mean it?"
"Yes"
"Well, can you find out if they will be open tomorrow?" I was trying to think of having a little time to have people I wanted to be there....
"Hold on.........No, they are not open tomorrow."
"Well I'm not waiting till Monday for you to change your mind so I'll come today."
"Okay, so where should we meet?"
"At the courthouse." Thinking that would save time since it was about half way between the two of us.
"What time?"
"In an hour." I would need to get dressed, get my parents and drive half an hour.
"Is it okay if I bring my mom?" I didn't have the heart to make her miss the wedding of her first son to get married...
"Yes, she can come."
"Okay, see you soon."

OH MY GOSH, was this REALLY happening?
I yanked open the bathroom door and starting yelling for my dad. "Dad, I need you to put on a shirt and tie and be my witness at the courthouse!"
"WHAT?" Mutter, Mutter. "I'm on the phone, hang on a minute" He hollered from downstairs.
I went to my bedroom... I was getting married! I had not finished my dress.  I had planned on a two piece gown but I hadn't even started the skirt. The blouse was peiced together but I hadn't sewn any of the hems. I grabbed some safety pins, put on the blouse and put on a lovely purple prom skirt.
I grabbed the bouquet I had made and then an outfit for my mom to wear in the pictures. She would not want to be in her work cloths.
My dad came running up stairs "What's going on?"
"Nate and I are getting married at the courthouse today. I need you to put on a shirt and tie and be my witness."
My daddy smiled at me and said "We're going to pick up your mother, right? She'd kill me if I didn't make sure she was there."
"Yes, I planned to pick her up on the way, I have these clothes for her"
"Oh, good."

We got in the car a headed to walmart to get my mom. My dad called her phone so she could let her manager know there was a family emergency and she needed to leave work early. Mom got in the car and I gave her the outfit I had pulled from the closet. She asked if there were socks and shoes... I hadn't thought of that. We had to stop at another walmart along the way to pick those up...

I called Nate to let him know we were running behind. Nate said "That's okay," his dad was driving down from his job in salt lake and would take a while too. His mom wanted to know if we wanted to have the bishop marry us in the relief society room of their ward meeting house after we got the license from the courthouse.
"That sounds great."

As my dad pulled out of the second walmart he had some how thought that we were going to a different courthouse than the one I had in mind. I told him where he needed to turn, the lane beside us was empty but the car in front of us did not move when the light turned green... He honked, they moved, and in all the excitement, dad gunned it to enter the other lane just as a car pulled up beside us... I saw it all as if in slow motion and started shaking my head... I had the camera, got out of the car in my fancy dress and started taking picture of the accident.
The other driver saw our attire and got out of his car. "I can tell you must be in a hurry. I'll just need your name and phone number. It's a rental and I paid the insurance, so you really don't need to worry about anything.
All that had been damaged on our car was the headlight cover so off we went...

We finally got to the courthouse and processed our application and received the license.

After that we went to Nate's house to wait for the Bishop and Nate's dad. While we were waiting Nate's mom insisted that he at lease take a shower. Nate consented and left me and my parents waiting...

Finally we all went to the chapel. The cameras were brought out but I felt really tense. I was scared that after all this, as we went before the bishop there was still a chance for Nate to change his mind... I wasn't going to smile or be happy until it was a done deal!

The Bishop made sure this was what we both wanted and we proceeded.

Instead of saying "I do" We both said "Yes."

We signed the license and became man and wife.

Pictures were taken, we all planned to go out to lunch but first Nate and I needed to talk. Everyone left us at the church to wait at the restaurant.











Nate and I sat in the foyer and caught up on the last three days of separation. Nate explained how as the time went by and he felt what his life would be like without me, he realized that wasn't the kind of life he wanted. I explained how it hurt to leave him but my life seemed to be giving me one of two options: Stay or leave.

We held each other close and just breathed, knowing that as we joined the family again there would barely be room for any breathing. We went to lunch at the China Lily to celebrate.



Pictures, smiles and fortune cookies taken care of we were surprised yet again as Nate's parent gifted us a honeymoon stay at the Inn On the Hill in Salt Lake and lent us their car for the weekend. I notified my temporary employment that I would not be coming to work that day and off we went.
















The honeymoon was perfect. We stayed in the Zion Room. Nate and I were so sore, felt like we had been bruised from head to toe. It may not be like this for every newly wed couple but it seemed like all the stress leading up to this event had sapped us of everything we had. Three days in the hotel was exactly what we needed. Just a few blocks from Temple Square we spent most of Saturday and Sunday enjoying the history and events.

The view from our room

Cushy robes

Getting ready to go out.

We've finally arrived.

Enjoying temple square

When the three days were over we got in the car and started driving south. We were about 30 minutes out of Salt Lake when I asked Nate where we were going... We'd never arranged an apartment...

Laughing about not knowing where we were going 

There's only a little bit of "I told you so" in this look...

There was NO WAY we were staying with his parents... I called up my dad and asked if my room was still available. He said my mom would probably be upset if we didn't come there, because she had taken the time to make up the room just for us.

Apartment hunting...

With the engagement officially announced and Nate's apartment contract running out I thought for sure that it was now time to find an apartment for Nate that I could move into after the wedding.

We had discussed a budget that would work for the both of us and I found some fantastic listings and invited Nate to see them with me. We fell in love with a few, a few got taken up before we could make a move but when it came right down to making a decision, Nate's parents had to give their advice...

Now, I don't condemn them for being concerned for the well being of their son. BUT... He was 21 now. I was 20. In the year and half that we had been dating they had seen us cuddling on the couch plenty and I think they thought that maybe something had happened between me and Nate that was the reason for getting married and Nate not going on a mission. But they never asked. Fact is, we hadn't even kissed before the engagement! We were hardly ever really alone, we both had roommates with no tolerance for overnighters, we both had nosey family members at home, and we usually went on dates in very public places, we had talked about a boundary and stuck to it! The likely-hood of ANYTHING happening was very, VERY small...
But they voiced to Nate their concern... If he had the new apartment and I was going to be spending time there, something might happen...

For any future newly weds out there I want to explain a few things...
1. Once you are married you are going to need your own place. YOU DO NOT want to come back from your honey moon and still be in your parents house, especially if they aren't happy about the marriage from the start...
2. If anything WAS going to happen before marriage, you would NOT need an apartment... All you need is a car or a hotel room.
3. You are adults, your parents are no longer your decision makers. Decide between yourselves and God and ask your parents to mind their own business if they don't like it.

Because of the concerns of his parents Nate would not decide on an apartment. His contract at the men's apartment ran up and with no place else arranged, he moved back into his parents house. I was very upset. Nate's parents were no good at supporting him emotionally in his desire to be a writer, or in have a home free of temptations, and I knew this would effect his ability to cope with addictions.

Sure enough, things went downhill. I came over to find out all the things Nate's parents would say to discourage him from getting married, for example, that we must have prayed in places where the right spirit could not direct us in our decisions.. Nate was struggling with addictions again and he looked like death. His countenance was so pale I was scared he was having thoughts of suicide. But I also didn't want to give him any ideas, so I didn't say anything...

This had to change. FAST.

I went home to my mother to talk things out and see if she had an idea I could use...
I was worried that if I suggested a civil marriage that my mom would freak out so I was surprised when she brought it up first.

A civil marriage was NOT my first choice. However, under the circumstances, it made sense. Once we were married there would be no reason to hesitate on getting an apartment, getting Nate out of his parents house. After a year of civil marriage we could still go to the temple to be sealed.

I found an ensign article that I felt supported my argument, called Nate and asked him to meet me at the church institute building. I figured if we prayed there, the wrong spirit could not influence our decision.

We talked and we prayed and we decided. A civil marriage was the best decision we could make at that time.
We went to Nate's mom and she argued against it. There was no helping her see.
I went home feeling frustrated. She would not respect Nate's personal revelation as an adult who could make his own choices and Nate didn't want to disrespect her as his mother.

My First Nativity

One of my favorite things about Christmas is the reminders of the whole holy reason for the season!
When I was first getting ready to move out space was an issue.
A christmas tree was not really an option. So I picked out this tiny little ceramic nativity set.

Announcement

On November 16th Nate and I met his family at the China Buffet Restaurant in Orem Utah with much anticipation...  I had already told my parents since inviting them to the dinner would be too much of a give away...

We wanted everyone to be at the table so we waited until everyone had gotten food and sat down. We were part way through the meal and the noise had died down, when I tapped Nate's knee and suggested it was time to make the announcement. His mother was suddenly all ears. "Announcement?" she asked.

Nate asked for everyone's attention and said "Lynn and I are engaged. We're going to get married."
The table erupted with happiness.
Everyone tried to talk at once. Adri asked if we had date set. We said we wanted to plan with everyone to figure out a time that would work. Adri asked if there was a ring since she didn't see one on my finger. I explained that I didn't need one. She offered to let me try on a ring that had been in the family. I thought it would be impolite to just turn her down, but I was REALLY surprised by her offer. We had expected their reaction to be so reserved since it meant Nate would NOT be going on a mission, but they never brought it up that evening. The girls wanted to know if they would get dresses for the wedding, what the colors would be, the boys didn't want to have to do anything but eat cake.

So, after dinner was over, we went to their house and I tried on the ring. I liked it because it was simple, no stones, just a white gold (I actually don't like yellow gold, so this was even better) band with light engravings that almost looked like feathers all the way around. It fit perfect. Adri was surprised and told me that it had been tried on a girl that Ben had proposed to but it had been too small.
"It must be meant to happen." She said.

Engagement.

On a Sunday morning I made my usual morning call to Nate to see how he was doing. He said he wasn't feeling great and needed to go for a walk to have time to think. I was a little worried and asked him to call me as soon as he got back.
Later on he called me. He explained that he was supposed to meet with his stake president that day about his mission papers. He was nervous and was trying to get calmed down. While out on his walk he came across of friend of his that he hadn't seen for some time. His friend was serving a service mission and told him about what it was like. When the friend asked Nate what was going on in his life Nate said he didn't really know what to tell him.  I knew he had been working on his writing, had dropped out of his school classes because he found he wasn't enjoying them at all, and we had been dating. I hadn't even realized Nate had begun working on his mission papers.
"Are you afraid of something?" I asked.
"I'm afraid I might not go on a mission." Nate explained.
"Do you know what you might do instead?" I asked. I knew that Nate had had some struggles that made it difficult to achieve the high standards set for missionaries. My understanding was that "Every WORTHY and ABLE young man should serve a mission. But if they didn't go, they were not condemned. I was a little frustrated about his concern if he didn't go. I didn't have great respect for his parents who seemed to act like if Nate didn't live up to their expectations, they would not love him.
"Well, you and I have talked about getting married." He said.
"We have. Did you tell your friend about that?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Well... I guess it makes me feel like less of a man."
It was absurd how much this upset me, but in my mind I wanted to shout at him.
YOU ARE NOT LESS OF A MAN FOR MARRYING ME!
I hung up on him instead. I didn't want to be angry with him, some part of me understood some of what he must be going through, but I didn't feel like I could talk to him.

I turned off my phone and went to church... I kept think about the conversation and feeling worked up. I wanted to encourage him but I wasn't sure how to. Should I tell him what to do, based on what? I knew my feelings for him, I knew he wanted to go on a mission, but might not be able.
I couldn't tolerate leaving my phone off any longer incase he was trying to reach me. I turned it on and sure enough he had texted me.
He was upset that I had hung up on him and asked that I please not do that again.
I apologized and then explained everything I had been feeling.
He said he understood and we'd talk more later.
About an hour later he texted again, inviting me to meet him at the park as soon as I could, that he was now there and would wait for me.
I had ridden to church with my roommate because the weather had been cold and wet. I explained to her what was going on and she willingly drove me to get some warmer clothes and drop me off at the park.

When I arrived Nate was waiting, like a prince in his castle, at the top of the jungle gym. He slid down to meet me and as he walked my way he asked that I please be willing to listen to everything he needed to say before I say anything. I smiled and said ok.

He walked me over to the swing set where he had parked his bike. He reached into his back pack and pulled out some papers. We sat in the swings and he asked me to read the pages out loud to him. I was a little confused at first but then say his words on the page. It was poetry he had written for me. There were three pages! As I read through it I thought to myself that this was a pretty nice way to make up for upsetting me that morning... Then I got to the last page. The last line poem was called "Will you marry me?"

I thought, "Oh, here we go again, asking the question without being on one knee."
The last line of the poem was the question again and after I read the last line aloud I looked up and realized he was in front of me on one knee.

"Will you?" My heart started pounding. THIS WAS IT! The actual proposal I had been waiting for!
He looked at me hopefully and I finally put into words the answer I had been practicing. It was cheesy... "No," I watched as he head fell in disappointment, I could tell he was thinking that he must have really fouled things up for me to be saying no, but I wasn't finished... "I won't just marry you but I will take you to the temple to be sealed to you for time and eternity, as your wife and best friend, to be the mother of you children." There had been more but in the moment I was too overcome with emotion to remember it all...
As I had continued my answer his head had gradually come back up and he looked at me questioningly, "That's a yes, isn't it?" He asked.
I smiled, "Yes."

We hugged for a long moment, filled with relief. I kept waiting for him to move in for a kiss, this was after all the time we had agreed on being acceptable to kiss. I had kissed a few guys before but I knew he had never kissed a girl. There had been so many times I had wanted to kiss him and now I could...
He grabbed my hand and asked if we could get out of the cold. He was shivering and his hands were numb. We started walking back toward my apartment and we talked as we walked. Nate explained that he had gone in for the interview with the Stake President and explained what he was feeling. The Stake President had been supportive of whatever Nate had felt was right. Nate felt like he wasn't ready for a mission.

I asked him about telling his family and suggested we announce the engagement at the family dinner they would have for his birthday at the chinese buffet, that way at least if they wanted to freak out, they would have to wait till they weren't in public.

Finally I couldn't stand it anymore... I turned and said "Can I kiss you now?"
He paused, surprised, "OH! I guess we can do that now! Um... Sure..."
He bent toward me and I stood on the balls of my feet.
And we kissed, there on the side walk across from the park, for the first time after dating for a full year and half.
I asked him how it felt, his FIRST kiss... "Wet." he said, with a huge grin that said he kinda liked it anyway.

Surprise!

By the end of June I had completed my time with Dustin and Lisa. My last month with them was the most stressful. While the insurance covered the damages to their house, it would be some time before the house was livable again. They ended up renting another house down the street in the mean time and the kids got head lice AGAIN... The new house didn't have laundry machines so I ended up carting the laundry back and forth between the two houses. We sprayed and shampooed and this time we were finally rid of the lice.

By August I had sold my car and flown back to Utah. My parents lived in Payson at this time. They had bought a town home with three bedrooms and Heather had come to live with them. I took up temporary residence until I could find an apartment. I got a bike and was determine to use the bus and get an apartment in Orem, so as to be close to Nate and have plenty of opportunity to spend time with him. I began working for Express personnel, a temp service that was very useful. At the time there were a lot of businesses employing the temps and I rarely had difficulty making the money I needed for the month.

After some searching I found a shared room for rent in an apartment in Provo toward the end of August. My roommate's name was... Well, she introduced herself and everyone called her Scooby. I wondered what kind of parent would actually name their daughter Scooby. When I asked her about it she explained that her legal first name was actually Shannon but her dad had nicknamed her Scooby and it had stuck... Scooby was busy with school and work and dating and I rarely saw her.
Our apartment-mate's name was Jenn. Jenn was a real character. She was really into role playing a creating little works of art for her game all the time. She had a fantastic sense of humor and could keep me entertained for hours.

Jenn and Scooby both worked full time at a telephone survey company and for a short time I actually started working at the same place through the temp service... It was okay most of the time, until we had been working on one survey so long that if someone said hello to me while I was sleeping I would give them the entire survey from memory.

Nate and I continued dating while Nate attended some classes at UVSC (Later to be known as UVU).
For my birthday Nate said he had a special surprise. He asked my what day I wanted it and he listed a few options. I thought this was interesting and could hardly wait... I chose the day that was the soonest of the three. The night of the surprise I was all flustered. I wondered if this might be the night he would propose. I wanted to look right and couldn't seem to decide on the right thing from my closet. My roommates came home while I was still getting ready and I asked what they would wear if they thought it might be that special night... They both looked at what I was wearing and said in unison "Not that."

After finally decided on an appropriate outfit, Nate showed up at the door with flowers and pumkin pie. The flowers were bright yellow/orange ball mum bums. They were artificial because Nate had remembered I told him real flowers didn't last long enough. The pie was his favorite and Nate had remembered I wasn't a huge fan of chocolates, so he said "Why not get something we could enjoy together?"

We had a car for the evening and Nate asked me to drive while he gave me instructions so I wouldn't know where we were going until we got there. Somewhere we took a wrong turn and it took a great deal of patience not to get upset that he wouldn't at least let me look at the map. Finally he told me to pull into a parking spot and said "SURPRISE!"

I was confused. Immediately in front of the car was an empty sidewalk and the wall of a building with no visible door for some distance. I looked back at Nate questioningly. He pointing back at the wall and said "Read the sign." I looked again and realized that across the whole wall were giant letters spelling "SOUTH PACIFIC."

"OH!" I said. "oh." I thought. A few weeks earlier I had watched the movie South Pacific with Nate and he had asked if I had ever seen it in a live theater. I told him I hadn't but that would be fun sometime. So tonight was that sometime. Nate had bought tickets to see a live performance and I was horribly unexcited because I had hoped there would be a proposal. Nate seemed to notice my disappointment and asked what was wrong. I was embarrassed but I told him anyway. He was surprised and felt very sorry that the evening hadn't lived up to my expectation.

We went into the Center Street Musical Theater and enjoyed the show anyway. The actors had really great energy but it wasn't so well received as the rest of the audience as Nate and I. We clapped after every song and laughed aloud, while for some reason all the other guests sat quietly as if the performance was nothing to applaud.

I went home still happy that at least I had looked great and had a good time.

Inner Beauty

What my husband wrote about me...

Inner Beauty
by: Nathaniel A. Cassani

I have a special someone whose beauty I treasure most. Her beauty is not in
her hair, the cloths she wares, or any skill she may posses. It's something
invisible, hidden from the shamming eye or those who would not understand what
is there. But it?s real. Vibrant like a rose and scented with her gentle
kindness. It permeates from her core in songs of joy wherever she may go. But
even this does not fully articulate the beauty that I see.

When I'm with her life takes on a new meaning. One more fully ripened in
love and joy. Setting suns double in their richness before my eyes. Their colors and
tones making soft displays of what was one a hard brash world. A soft breeze
takes on a sense of meekness and tranquilly. All fear of a storm erased, and
excitement in the possibility of rain reveled in. Quiet days reading together
are more exciting then action thrillers in a movie theater; and more powerfully
played upon my mind then the greatest of love songs. Hours melt by in seconds
and the day never seems to be enough. Forever she keeps me yearning for more.
It is true ever rainbow seems brighter when I?m with her.

  Beauty becomes a way of being, for we see all things together anew. Simple I
Love You?s, smiles, and the warmth of a hand, are more satisfying. Darkness
fades from my eyes  and my thoughts like melting snow. I can just stand there
alone at times and reach........  and the warmth of her love envelops me.  In
every moment she strives for honest, for truth, and for integrity. When in pain
she weeps, and tells me. And when in joy she leaps into my arms smiling.

  Beauty takes on a new forum and a new definition when I?m with her. Love, is
beauty, and somehow just sitting together in a crowded room can become a
pristine moment. Our Love, the beauty that it is, just keeps rolling on.
Through every tear we cry, every word we share, or every scrapped knee or
stupid thing we do. Everything  around us radiates, permeates in peace. Time
steps aside, and we keep finding new things to say in every hour.

  Through all the beauty that I see in her, is radiated also in me. Shimmering
like stars we elevate one another to a new place to stay. We love who we are
when were around each other. We accept the world where it stands. All things
are better for it. This is the beauty that resides in her, in me, and in every
moment when we see each other in one another's eyes. Here is my sacred
sanctuary of beauty. A place I often come to stay, and one I hope I will never
leave....

Something Memorable

I had almost been with Dusting and Lisa's family for a full year. I was working a second job at this time because of the need repairs that had come up on my car through the beginning of the year. It was a McDonalds again, only it was not so great. The group of people you work with can make a huge difference in the work place.

It was about this time that Nate called me up and said he wanted to come visit me. I was SO excited! Dustin and Lisa were fine with his coming, Lisa was in fact so excited for me that she insisted he stay at the house with everyone, instead of a hotel.

The morning arrived that Nate was supposed to arrive. All month I had worked extra hard to get the house neat and clean. The kids had gotten head lice and we had all worked together to wash load after load of laundry, spray the house and wash and comb EVERYONE's hair. We thought we were RID of the lice. The night before Nate's arrival Dustin had had some workers start the job of replacing the roof. The men had torn off all the shingles and put a tarp over the house for the night. It rained all night but the tarp worked fine... Until... About 7 am a HUGE gust of wind came up and blew the tarp off the house. The rain came pooring in. When I heard the noise it felt like I had fallen asleep in the shower. I rushed about my room to pick things up off the floor and move other things where the wouldn't get ruined by the water. I heard the kids crying and came out of my room to discover that Dusting and Lisa had become too stressed by what was happening and locked themselves in their room. I tried to pull the kids away from the door but they were too upset.

So I sat and waited and wondered what to do. The water was pouring through the ceiling everywhere. It was like every room had a waterfall. Finally Dustin came out of the bedroom and went to the deck. He lit a smoke and sat there, saying nothing, watching the rain. I sat with him and tried to think of something to say...

"You know how when people ask me 'what's up?' and I always say 'The ceiling'? I can't say that today..."

Dustin turned and just stared at me. He knew I was trying, but it really wasn't funny...

He pulled out his wallet, handed me a wad of cash, and asked me to take the kids out of the house until he said I could bring them home. And that was when I wondered what this whole day was going to be like... I took the kids to McDonalds for breakfast. They ate up but as soon as we got in the car they started vommitting. The stress was really getting to them. I headed to the airport to get Nate... With the house under water I realized he was going to need to stay in a hotel after all...

With the kids puking in the waiting area, I stared at the line of arriving passengers thinking Nate could not have decided on a better time to visit... I was going to need his support.

Nate came through the terminal looking splendid. He was wearing a blue tropical shirt meant for a sunny vacation and the day was anything but sunny... I laughed as I ran and hugged him... We went to the car and I explained what was going on as I drove away from the airport. I took him and the kids to a second breakfast, hoping the now hungry again kids might keep something down... They did.

After the restaurant we headed to the library hoping it would be warm and dry and we could use the computers to look up a good movie. The library was dry but it was cold and our clothes were wet from walking outside. We hurried to use the computers and found nothing, then Dustin called to say we would all be staying at the motel at the end of the road. We drove there and after getting the kids settled I changed into uniform for my shift at McDonalds.

That night at McDonalds was harder than ever, with all the stress that day I couldn't deal with my manager, a person no one really liked. I mean no one. when I had interviewed for the job I had expressed the possibility of training as a manager. The interviewer was the store owner and had confided in me that they really needed someone to replace this manager.

I had made it almost till closing time. We had two closing times, one for the lobby and one for the drive through. Almost everyone had been sent home after closing the lobby and the drive-thru was slow. It was me, the manager and the person working the food line... Suddenly we got slammed. The line in the drive-thru jumped to 20 cars long and we were scrambling to fill orders. The person working the food line was thick headed and would never really listen to what people were saying. At one point I had to yell for her to hear my instructions on an order and then my manager yelled at me for yelling.

That was it, I was done. I didn't have to put up with this. She shouldn't have sent all the good food line people home. I was not going to stay and tame the blame for how badly things were going. With cars in the drive thru and a half hour till closing I said I quit and handed her my apron. In a panic she begged me not to leave right then, to stay and we could work it out but I was too angry and felt like she deserved to deal with this. I left.

I had given Nate my car while I was at work so that if he wanted to do something, besides watch tv at the hotel, he could. When I came out and told him that I had quit, he was shocked. I guess to him it seemed so sudden but for me I felt like it had been coming for a while

The rest of his visit was still an adventure. The night, with the rain still pouring into the house, I had to pack up my room. I really didn't like having to spend my time with Nate that way but it was the circumstance and Nate was such a good sport. He kept me laughing when I wanted to cry about the state of things. In the midst of the laughter I realized I had prayed for Nate's visit to be memorable, and it was sure turning out to be that! I told Nate about this and it was a running joke the whole week that from now on I should pray for every thing to just go smoothly.

The next day the storm had mostly passed, the sky was only slightly grey but it was warm enough to go to the beach. We loaded up a picnic and found a secluded place on the shore. The water was great after all the rain and the sand was moist and cool. We sat and ate the picnic. By the time we reached the desert the chocolate covered graham crackers had begun to melt. We ate the gooey stuff anyway and got our fingers all messy. I didn't mind this and simply licked my fingers clean, not wanting to waste the yummy stuff. When Nate realized that we hadn't packed napkins he said "What should I do?" and held up his hands to show the mess. I grabbed his hand without pausing to think and stuck his fingers in my mouth. Suddenly I was embarrassed. That was very forward to assume I could lick his fingers for him and that he wouldn't be grossed out. I looked at him, blushing, and apologized. He laughed and said it was okay and offered his other fingers. Eventually we played in the water some more and the stickiness of dessert was washed away. We left and spend the evening at the book store. Nate and I had a very special conversation there, where he told me about the struggles that were keeping him from serving a mission. I didn't judge him at all, I had dealt with some of the same things in my youth and I tried to encourage him. I wanted to be a support to him any time he was tempted and asked that he would call me and I would try to distract him.

Friday came and with everyone packed into the two rooms of the hotel Nate and I decided to go stay at my sister Mitzi's house. At one point Nate and I got a little too cozy and we decided on some ground rules that while we were both cuddly people, while we were dating we would not kiss and we would not reach under each other's clothes.

We watched movies, played games, borrowed some bikes for a ride around the block. I showed Nate my old stomping grounds, all the places I had worked with horses and places I lived when I was littler. Nate said he enjoyed seeing it all for himself and seeing how I would light up.

One of the places we visiting was the ranch where Jack Sursey trained his races horses. When I introduced Nate to Jack, Jack interrogated him, "Are you treating her good?" Nate was surprised, "Yes, sir" Nate said. "You'd better" Jack said, "If there something I learned, it's that the woman's always right, and you need to just say 'Yes ma'am.' Can you do that?"
"Yes ma'am" Nate said to me and we all laughed.

Sunday we drove back to my ward where my calling was in the nursery. Nate and I had a good time playing with the kids.

By Monday Nate was supposed to fly back home to Utah. It wasn't so hard to say goodbye this time since I knew in a few months I would be done working in Florida and see Nate again. As we drove to the airport Nate surprised me and asked if I would marry him.
I was a little flustered... we had talked about marraige, that it was in our future but he was flying back to Utah today! Did he mean he wanted to set a date?
"You're leaving today! Are you asking me to go with you?"
"No, I just wanted to know, after everything this week, would you say still say yes?"
Nothing about his stay had weakened my desire to be with him, if anything it was stronger...
"My answer is yes, but I will give you my full answer when you get down on one knee."

Florida

By the beginning of the New Year I felt like I had settled in with Dustin and Lisa's family.

Little Dustin had elementary school during the week which made mornings my chance to clean house and afternoons were usually spent with him on homework. Some days I would take the kids to the park, some days we just had the whole neighborhood in the pool/backyard. It was fun, crazy and Dustin/Lisa and I didn't always agree on the rules that should be applied, but it usually worked out in the end. I learned a lot about my own expectations when it would come to raising my own children someday. Some how in taking care of day care for my aunt I had never needed to do much disciplinary action, the kids were often content to play with toys, watch movies or play in the back yard and stay out of things that were off limits. Dustin's kids needed a little more direction.

There wasn't a singles ward in the area but there were a group of singles that would try to get together regularly. I started participating in the activities and they were a really fun bunch. Of course my heart belonged to Nate and if the guys expressed any interest I tried to let them know so they wouldn't have high expectations... But Nate and I had said it should still be okay to date other people until we were married, so I hated to say no to a guy that got up the courage to ask...

Fortunately there were only a few dates, and it was easy enough to have a good time without feeling like I led them on or that they got too interested.

Nate and I would talk on the phone often and talk about the difficulties and the fun we were both having. After a while it became apparent to me that he might not being going on a mission, something was holding him back but I didn't know if I should ask about it. I wanted to keep encouraging him to go as long as he felt it was the right thing.

In my past I had had a few guy-friends leave on missions, only one of which I had seriously been interested in but who never seemed to reciprocate. Every time the same thing happened... At first they would right often and letters that were of a good length, but as time wore on and they became more busy with the work, the letters would stop. So when Nate had agreed to write letters I was skeptical about how long it would last. As it turned out, Nate was a fantastic letter writer... Well, he was at least good at keeping it going. The letters weren't perfect, sometimes difficult to read, but I loved them all the same. I began keeping a scrap book of his letters to me and would spend hours some evenings writing back to him. It was crazy how we could always find more to talk about. Love inspires the mind in amazing ways.

Leaving

At the beginning of the year before I became interested and things evolved with Nate I had been praying to know what the Lord would want me to do when I finished my classes at The Institute of Healing Arts.

Moments after I had gotten off my knees about this I received a phone call from my brother Dustin who lived in southern Florida. He had 3 children at the time and he and his wife both worked full time. They would save money by hiring a nanny instead of paying for day care. They wanted to know if I was interested in the job, starting right after my graduation.

It was the timing of it that made me figure, maybe this was what the Lord wanted? So I said yes and I felt good about the decision. My evolving relationship with Nate didn't change my mind about this.  I figured that he would be going out to serve a mission for the church soon and we would be separated for two years anyway... But it didn't make saying goodbye any easier.

I had found a new home for my 3 year old Australian Shepherd named Panda for his black and white coloring and gentle nature. He had been a really good dog, I had trained him to do lots of fun stuff, but Dustin and Lisa didn't have room for another. My car was all packed to drive out to Florida the night of my graduation, my dad being my copilot. That morning before the graduation ceremonies I went to have my last day with Nate. I was a mess. I kept crying. I knew I'd see him again but I didn't know how long it would be. I would miss him horribly and there was still a small part of me that doubted... If I didn't see him and he didn't see me, would he forget his feelings for me? Would he decide not to wait?

Nate hugged me and wiped my tears and tried to reassure me. He told me he had a couple things for me and I was surprised, I hear a lot of girls complain that guys just don't think of getting things... I had something for him too, so we exchanged gifts.

For me he had a Jade pendant. I call it a pendant but it actually looked rather like a life saver candy... I love it. And Nate loved that I got so happy about it because it was something special he had gotten on a trip to China when his family adopted one of his younger siblings. He had had several of them that he had given away to dear friends but none of them seemed to appreciate it as much as I did.

For him I had purchased a goth style butterfly key chain. I figured it was as manly as I could get with butterflies but I wanted him to have a reminder of me that he could carry around. He liked it so much he took it off the key chain and wore it on a necklace.

I became a mess again as it came time to leave his house. I was holding him tightly and sobbing and he pulled out something else he told me to keep. It was a handkerchief he had received at the Mount Timpanogas Temple dedication. It had a stitching of the temple in it's soft white fabric. In that moment I knew that was the temple we would one day be sealed in.

Nate also handed me an envelope that he told me I was not allowed to open until I was on the road to Florida. I could hardly wait!

The graduation ceremonies were sad and happy. We had all grown close and now we were done. It was hard to say what all our relationships would be like after that. We all wanted to remain close friends but life was pulling us all in different directions. There were many tears and good speeches about what we had learned and where we were headed and then it was over.

I got in the car with my dad and as we drove away I tore open the envelope from Nate. I got all weepy again as I read his words to me of the way he felt about us and our future. I read the letter out loud to my dad. My dad even got weepy and said, "If I were to choose someone for you, that would be the kind of guy!"

Not that I was ever the kind that NEEDED to have my father's approval of the man I would marry, I was glad all the same that he could see the kind of wonderful I had found.

Meeting Nate

While I continued my training with The Institute of Healing Arts, I came to know the Cassani family. There were three members in my class, Adri Cassani, Ben Cassani and Nate Cassani. Ben and Nate were brothers, Adri their mom. Adri was very loud and outgoing, sometimes it was entertaining, sometimes it was to the extreme of being annoying. Ben and Nate were nothing like their mom. Ben was two years older than Nate and the kind I would describe as talk dark and handsome. Nate was good looking to, tall and thin, but with brilliant RED hair. I decided to ask Ben on a date.

I was super excited for the date but had difficulties figuring out a group of people to go with... That should have been the moment I backed out of the date but ultimately I decided to take him on an outing my family already had planned. We would tour the local peppermint factory.

It was awful. I mean, the factory was fine, very interesting and fun, but the date was note what I had hoped. My family was fine but as we went through the tour I tried to strike up conversation with Ben. He was totally aloof the whole time, giving me one word answers, no return questioning, sometimes not answering my questions at all, but just walking off to some other part of the tour. I was befuddled. Why did he even bother coming? He could have said no. I'd never seen him act like this in class.

By the end of the tour I was done. I had no more desire to try to get to know him. I dropped him back at his house and never tried again.

The Institute of Healing Arts class was a total of 12 months long and things were good. Bumpy at times because of course we were working out emotional issues. During lecture periods I had a tendancy to let my eyes wander about the room. I tried to focus on the teacher, it was never that I wasn't listening. The lessons kept my attention but I'm a visual learner so as I processed the information I would look at things in the room, associating things with my visual memory. Sometimes I would come back into focus and realize that Nate (Ben's younger brother) would notice that I seemed distracted and would make funny faces. On one occasion I actually laughed aloud at his crossed eyed fishy face and the whole class wondered what I thought was funny about the teachers very serious lecture. I was too embarrassed to explain my behavior to the class...

In my first encounter with Nate I actually wasn't very nice... It was the first meeting of the class and we had all been asked to wear name stickers. We were then asked to go around the room to introduce ourselves and say at least one nice thing to everyone we met. After several other people, I walked up to Nate. His sticker read "Nate the Great" That's big headed I thought to myself. To him I said "Nate the great, huh?" As if to check if he really was so great. "Yep" He said and I thought yep, definitely big headed. "It's what my family calls me." Wow, they all play into that? "Well I like your red hair" I said dumbly and walked away.

About ten months into the class, Nate and I were assigned to work together. The class had been rotating partners to practice helping each other 'process'. Nate was dealing with an issue and I was practicing facilitator. I was having a hard time knowing how to help him through the process, the details of which shall remain private (client confidentiality)  and was praying the Lord would inspire me in what to say to help Nate with his struggle. I didn't like the answer I received.

I suddenly felt I should say to Nate: I love you. I was shocked. I mean, sure he was nice but I didn't have ANY romantic inclinations. It felt unprofessional to say it and I didn't want him to take it the wrong way.  And beside that, I had my own issue I was dealing with at the time...

See, through High School I had been such a free spirit. I was super social, hanging out with lots of people and I had a habit of saying "love ya" to EVERYONE.  Yes, I mean everyone... All my guy friends, girl friends, and they all knew it, they all understood I loved them as friends and that was good, that was what I wanted and why I said it. "Love ya, Bye."

But now I was older and I was learning I didn't want to use it so casually. I had started to desire finding the one to whom I would say "I love you" forever and mean it. So, I couldn't do it. I had stopped the habit and now I couldn't just casually tell him "I love you."I hardly knew him apart from the funny faces and the brief introductions in class...

In a panic I told Nate that I wasn't sure what to do to help him, and that I was running late for another appointment (which I really was). We decided to end the session for the day and come back to it another time. But as we walked out of the room our coaches could tell something was up. I pulled one of the coaches aside and quietly explained what I was feeling and that I was running late. She said I could leave but that I needed to call Nate that evening, "DO NOT put it off," she said, "and let him know what's going on. I'll let him know to expect your call."

I was not happy. I went to my next appointment, went home, got everything that I possibly could ready for the next day and got ready for bed. I had put off calling him as long as I could. Maybe he wouldn't answer the phone... I called. He answered.

I explained..."Pretty much I'm supposed to say these three little words to you and I don't even understand how that's supposed to help you with what you are going through. I really don't want you to take it the wrong way if I said it..."

"What three words?" he asked.

I hesitated... REALLY? I mean, there are only so many three word sentences that are very common in the english language, couldn't he just GUESS? At least then he could say it, I wouldn't have to say it, and he couldn't take it the wrong way, right?

I was literally shivering. "I love you."

"Oh, is that all?" he said, so casually I actually wanted very much to be angry. Here I was all worked up and it's totally no big deal... But that was what I wanted, right? I didn't know what to say beside "Yeah, that's it."

"So, do you want to get together and finish the session?" He asked. I explained that I could meet him after work the next day and we set a time.

The next day the rest of the process went fine, we agreed on the understanding that it was a "friendly" love and then decided to attend a mandatory class meeting together that evening.

But at that meeting I spent the entire time on the floor at the back of the room entertaining someone else's child so they could hear the details of the meeting and Nate spend the whole time turned around watching me play. It was a little awkward, I had a little bit of that feeling that he was seeing me in a new light, and playing with that child, it was almost a "you could be a mother" light... But I didn't really know what, if anything, should be done about it.

At the end of the class I took him back to his house and we didn't talk again until the next week in class.

It was lunch break and the group was standing together talking. Nate was telling someone about his homemade movies. He noticed me sitting in a chair and asked if he had shown me any of his videos. I laughed a little inwardly... I had been to his house a few times to barrow class books from his mom, or babysit his younger siblings. He was never around when I had been there.
"No, I haven't seen them." I answered.
"Well you should come over sometime and I'll show them to you."
"I'm off work tomorrow." I said.
"I'll see you then"

The next day I showed up at his house around noon and ended up staying for 7 hours. We watched his silly videos, played games and generally had a good time. He invited me to come again on my next day off and I agreed. And so it was for the last two months of class... Every week I would spend one of my days off at his house for about 7+ hours.

We became fast friends, we'd read books together, watch movies, play games, go on walks. It was simple and fun. And then I had a dream.

Nate and I were in a white room, wearing white clothes, kneeling across from each other, holding hands. 

I awoke from the dream with the greatest feeling of warmth through out my body and in that moment I knew. He was the one. I knew it but decided it was premature to tell him I felt that way.

At the lunch break from class that week Nate asked me to go on a walk with him. We went outside, walked a short ways and sat down in the grassy shade. He seemed a little flustered and I asked what was on his mind. He explained that he felt like we were more than just friends and that he wanted to know how I felt. As I pondered how to answer I saw a spider on the sidewalk and thought of a line from a movie. In 'Mighty Joe Young' the couple is falling in love and the woman describes the feeling like being bit by a waikiki spider. I described this to Nate and said that I felt like I had been bitten. He smiled and as we walked back toward class we held hands.

As we jostled up the stairs to class I looked up at him and teasingly said "You're too tall."
He looked down as if sizing me up and then said "I feel like a giant with a butterfly."

So I started callling him my giant and he called me his butterfly.

The next day I was at his house again. We had decided to paint with water colors in his family's kitchen. I was painting a butterfly floating over to some oversized stick figure. Nate had a mess of shapes and splotches. The conversation lulled a little and when I became quiet for a few moments Nate asked what I was thinking. I blushed. I had been thinking about my dream...
"I'm not sure I should tell you." I said. I didn't know if he was ready, I didn't want to scare him away if he didn't feel THAT strongly yet.
"Try me." he said.
I smiled thinking of how afraid I had been to say three little words... I now here I was confirming that maybe it should be something more than friendly. I took a deep breath... and told him about my dream, how I felt that our relationship wasn't only meant to be for a short time, but maybe even forever...

He listened and smiled and said "Me too."

On my own

While my parents lived in Nephi, the school I ultimately wanted to attend was in Pleasant Grove, about an hour away. I could rely on barrowing my parents car anymore so I needed two things. A car. And a job to pay for it. In American fork, near the place I wanted to go to school there were two restaurants hiring. I applied at both and was hired at both. I began working for McDonalds in the mornings, Carl's Junior in the evening.

For a brief period I stayed in the upstairs apartment of my parent's Payson house. I was supposed to be helping to get it's carpets cleaned and the walls painted but when I started the two jobs I was too busy to get it done, and I could not get any room mates to make it affordable staying in the three bedroom apartment by myself. I found that one of my neighbors would be willing to rent out a room to me.

Commuting to American Fork from Payson was an adventure I actually sort of enjoyed. It was a time in the car I could jam out to the radio or just be alone to think. I considering trying to find an apartment further north but time after time nothing panned out..

The job as cashier at McDonalds had it's ups and downs. The managers were all different, some more jovial and understanding, others more serious and stern. I felt like I learned fast and did well. The store owner would come in on occasion to inspect things and let us know if things should be done differently. She was very condescending in the way she said things and no one really liked her.


I began attending classes at The Institute of Healing Arts. I worked out a deal at first with the director of the school that I would transcribe a lot of the processing sheets from the school into text printouts out the computer in return for tuition. But my lack of great typing skills, the illegible writing, and the time that I would rather spend doing other things became too much. So I ended up taking out a loan through the bank to pay back the tuition I owed.

The classes were really enjoyable. I came to know a great group of people and the information being taught made SO much sense to me! I felt like I had finally landed where there were people like me, we felt differently than many people do and learning to process those feelings did wonders for my perspective on life.


The job as cashier at Carl's Junior was fun and I fell in like with one of my managers, who turned out to be a loser. He had a wife and kids but flirted with all the girls. I quit that job. I like McDonalds better anyway.

Eventually the McDonalds in Payson had an opening and I transferred. It was only part time at first but what I was saving in gas made up for not being full time for a while. At this store the managers were mostly awesome, some still more uptight than others, but mostly awesome. I quickly acclimated to the differences between how the two stores operated. I even felt motivated enough to begin training to become a manager, but ultimately decided McDonalds would not be my career and stopped the training.

17 years of age.

By the end of this year I had finally turned 17. I had a whole year of dating under my belt and spend the whole summer brushing up on my school work. In the great state of Utah the law allows a 17 year old to take the G.E.D. test. And I passed with flying colors. I was so glad to be free of high school. Now I could study whatever I really wanted.

Earlier in the year I had come across something interesting. My mom had brought someone to our house that practiced iridology. The woman looked in my eyes like they were a map of my entire body. She saw problems in my stomach, my ears, my brain. Everything she identified co-ordinated with things I had been feeling but didn't know how to work on. She suggested some herbs and changes to diet that made sense and seemed doable. Then she said she saw heartache. I was shocked! "What?" I said.  "How do you heal heart ache- Oh WAIT, no, I am NOT about to go to a SHRINK!" I thought for sure that's what she was going to suggest...

Her suggestion was that I try out this new form of healing called 'processing.' I was still skeptical but after one session, I was hooked. It's actually very similar to regular psycology only they incorperate other things to help identify and resolve issues faster. And for me the sessions included my relationship with my savior and allowed him to play a very significant part in my healing. It was awesome, and I wanted to learn to became a facilitator. I found out where the school was, what tuition would cost and was determine to save up to attend the class in my 18th year. God's plan was slightly different...

After completing my GED I got a job as a nanny with a family in New Jersey. I packed up and left home.

New Jersey was beautiful, the new family I worked for was amazing! They had two little girls, ages 3 years and 4 years, and a little 1 year old boy, the parents were both brain surgeons. The job seemed really cushy at first, things were going well. The girls went to preschool part of the day, napped another part, and the kids were generally very well behaved. The parents would refund for me to take the kids on outings and had a car for me to drive them around in. The dad's parents owned a fishing business and had a huge family dinner every Sunday with all the delicacies of their business on the table.

The problem came in that being surgeons, the parents often left early in the morning and would not arrive home till 7 or 8 in the evening. This left very little time for me to go spend any time with people my age and I am a VERY social creature but could not afford to stay out late or I would risk sleeping in too late...

I did however get Sundays off and at church I met a guy who was very cute and I invited him to come over during the day sometime.

I really should have thought it through better. I had no problem with letting the parents meet him, asking their permission to have him around, there was nothing questionable to me about having him around. My intentions were honest, I just wanted someone to talk to and hang out with... I just didn't see them and couldn't get a hold of them on the phone before he showed up at the house... So I let him in, having every intention of introducing him when the parents arrived.

In the end in turned out very badly. The dad came home early, my friend had to leave early. They barely had a chance to pass each other. The dad became very upset with me and asked what was going on. I tried to explain but he had no reason to trust me. I had only been working for them two whole weeks. He threatened to shoot the guy if he came around anymore, I voiced my frustration that there was no time for me to go out. The mom got home and said that maybe I was too young to be able to handle this job. She wanted me to do more crafts and cooking with the girls. I felt the expectations were unreasonable. What I was getting paid wasn't worth the hours and effort they wanted. They decided to send me home.

I was absolutely heartbroken. I had not meant for any of it to happen and now my chance at saving up for school seemed lost for good. I returned to Utah, depressed and unsure of myself.

Sweet 16

Sigh... The years of 2001/2002 were full of so many learning experiences.

I've always wondered why they call it "sweet" 16. According to Wikipedia:

Sweet sixteen parties mark a coming of age.

I often think of coming of age having more to do with puberty but in my case it was the age I was finally allowed to date, to drive, to get a job, basically gain a LOT more independence from my parents. Note: I did NOT have severe issues in my parental relationships, just a healthy appetite to grow up and be mature.

My parents had two cars available for me to learn in.

#1 1996 Ford Aerostar Van



#2 1985 Chevy Camaro



With Drivers License in hand I drove that van on many dates until one night while participating in the Manti Pageant...

That night, after the performance as everyone was loading up, some siblings from a family, that I informally adopted as mine, decided they would like to ride home with me to enjoy the air conditioning the van employed. I was unusually firm in making sure that everyone riding with me was wearing the seat-belts and we prayed for safety as we traveled home.

While driving through the canyons, my headlights approaching a corner, I heard in my mind, very clearly, a voice, saying

"Slow down."

I thought it strange, I was already going 5 miles below the 55mph speed limit because there were signs warning to take the corner a little slower. Strange or not, I rested my foot on the brake just in case. Without applying pressure the pedal went down further as if of it's own accord. I understood the voice had meant I REALLY needed to slow WAY down.

I began round the curve in the road at about 25mph. Then I saw it. There, beside the road on my passengers side, was an elk, nibbling the leaves from a young bush. The elk looked my way, standing stock still until we were nearly past it, and then it leapt. I slammed harder on the brakes. There was no avoiding it. The head crashed into the center of the wind shield. The shoulder wrapped around the passenger door, the rump caving in the back sliding door. Glass sprayed everywhere I held the steering wheel with all I had to keep from swerving, as both front tires popped, I could hear the metal grinding against the road. When we finally stopped sliding I could feel my self breathing heavily from the effort. Someone from the back seat asked if I was ok. I answered yes and asked if everyone else was alright. When everyone answered that they were ok, my first thought was of the people that were still on the road behind us that would be coming around that corner full speed. I opened my door and pushed the van out of the road, with only the assistance of angels.

Next, I told everyone to stay where they were in the van until I came back. There was no phone reception in the canyons and no way to call for help. I knew someone who lived a few miles up the road with a van I could use to get everyone home. Completely out of character, I ran the whole way. (I HATE running)



Once the adrenaline wore off, I had delivered the other kids safely to their home, I cried out the fear I had held in order to function, keeping the others safe. I slept but was troubled by dreams of everything that had happened.

The next day officials came to ask me what happened. I told them and the officers looked at each other then back at me. Then with amazement one of them explained the miracle, and their surprise at how my account matched up with their inspection of the scene. They explained that if I had been going the speed limit the impact of the elk would have sent the van into a roll, off the road into the ravine that was still high with snow run off. If we had landed upside down, we would likely have all drowned even if we had survived the roll. And then how I had pushed the van out of the road with a totaled engine, no tires...

To this day I marvel and praise the Lord. It was horrible still, but it could have been so much worse.

My poor dad had to depart with his beloved van. It was beyond repair.

Later that year I also ran the camero into the ground, it had exceeded the milage it was supposed to run and repairs were more costly than we valued the car. It was fun while it lasted, picking up young men in that car ;)